Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I'm sexy and I know it...

...Well, not really.

Welcome back! It's Tuesday, know what that means?? Weigh in day!!! I'm down another 2 pounds, for a total of 12 pounds. I currently weigh 358.2lbs. Exciting, right?? I'm thismuch closer to being a little bit less morbidly obese. Congratulations to me. Next week is the last week of the Biggest Loser at work. I'm pretty sure I know who the winner is...

I'm in a depression. It's that time of year for me. When I was in school, this is when my grades would drop. Right now I just want to sleep all day. It would be nice to even go to a hotel and sleep for like a week. I know this is a hard time of year for most people. The suicide rates are highest in March. I'm not suicidal by any means, it's just this is a hard time of year for people. I've been spending an exorbitant amount of time feeling sorry for myself.

I'm sad because I'm lonely. I'm sad because I'm fat. I'm sad because I'm single. I'm sad because I'm always thinking I'm a bad mother. I'm sad because I'm broke. I'm sad because I'm 34 and live with my parents. I'm sad because my job makes me sad. I'm sad because because because because... I'm always comparing myself to other people. Whenever I go somewhere, I always look around to see if I'm the fattest one in the room. Most of the time I am. The good news is that most people ignore the fattest person in the room....

I've been working really hard on being healthy. I've been avoiding chocolate (and other junk) as much as possible. I haven't gone for seconds (or thirds or fourths) on meals. I'm drinking a ton of water (I pee constantly). I'm working out. And all of this, I'm keeping track of in a journal.

I'm taking my son to Disney World next month and I'm really excited about it. However, I'm also scared to death. I'm so worried that I'll be too fat to ride the rides. When I went to Disney 5 years ago, I was fine, but I've gained a lot of weight since then. I mean a lot. When I was pregnant, I lost a ton of weight, but I certainly gained it back, and then some. There's a picture of me right after I got home from the hospital and I actually look "skinny." Can you believe that?? Me neither.

Another thing has been pissing me off. I've really been trying to get to an online Overeaters Anonymous meeting. However, I they won't let me. Am I really too fat for OA? I really need help and since I don't have medical insurance, I figured I'd take help where I can get it. I know that eventually I'll have to go to the doctor, but I just can't afford it right now. Have I mentioned that I'm broke?? I don't get child support, I pay for everything myself!

I haven't written my goals for this week yet. I wasn't successful with last week's goals. Namely, the goal to write the list of 10 things I love about myself. The hard part is that I can never repeat them. And 1o things I'm grateful for, that's a little easier but still challenging. I did that twice last week. I keep "forgetting" to make those lists. There, I just wrote the one for tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, it's Nana's 81st birthday! The entire family is taking Nana to the Golden Corral for dinner. The GC (as I like to call it) is a mother effing buffet. How am I going to be healthy at a mother effing buffet?? Restaurant food is already bad for you and I will have an all-you-can-eat endless mountain of food.....I'm so scared!!!

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