Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Why do I lie to myself?

I'm going to lay a few things out there.  I gained back every single pound I lost while I was working out, and a few more on top of that.  I have a hard time going to the gym because I have no one to watch my son.  Plus, I'm lazy.  Lazy and fat.  That's me.

I know everyone says that if I just get up and move, I'll start losing weight.  I know that.  I'm not stupid.  I'll be 35 years old in just a couple of weeks.  I also weigh about 380 pounds.  I also haven't been to the doctor in almost five years.  My company doesn't offer insurance and since I am "morbidly obese" I was refused when I tried to buy my own insurance.  I was even refused life insurance.  All these things aren't really great for my already fragile self esteem.  I get very depressed.  There are days, even weeks, when all I want to do is lay in bed.  I don't even want to watch tv or read.  Sometimes, the only thing that gets me out of bed is my little boy.  Oh, who am I kidding?  That's everyday.

Speaking of getting older, I feel like a failure and a fraud.  What have I done with my life??  Sure, I'm a mother, but is that all??  Will that be my only identity for the rest of my life??  I wanted so much more than doing what I'm doing.  If you had asked me, when I was in school, where I would be when I was 35, I'm sure the little, idealistic Jessie would've given you some grandiose vision of fame and fortune.  Well, I have neither.

I wish I could say that I plan to start working out again, every day.  But I don't.  It's next to impossible for me to get to the gym to do that, and my gym is not 24 hours.  I wish I could say that I could say I was going to start working out at home.  But I won't.  I'm constantly exhausted and I have a million other excuses as to why I can't and won't.  I know what I need to do, I really do.  I was doing it.  I started looking and feeling good for a long while.

Let's take a moment to explore an illness that I do have, hypothyroidism.  This is what wikipedia has to say about the disease:  One of the symptoms is weight gain.  Guess what?  I have that!  I also have uncontrolled hypothyroidism, being that I haven't been to the doctor in five  years.  Sometimes I'm convinced that I can FEEL my thyroid in my throat.  It's scary and I would LOVE to go to the doctor to get medication to feel better.  But, it's just not gonna happen.

Well, in closing, I'd like to share a little story.  I went on a date a couple of weeks ago.  It was nice, we met on a dating site (for shame).  We had a lovely lunch and had a two hour conversation.  He was a gentleman and walked me to my car after lunch and asked if we could see each other again.  I said yes and looked forward to having another date (as I haven't been on one in a LONG time!).  Well, that evening, I got another email that said the same, he'd had a nice time, would like to go out again.

The next day, however, was a different story.  I opened my email and read, "I knew you were big, but I didn't think you were THAT big.  You are disgusting and you wasted my time."

Now, I've said this a couple of times in this post, but I'm almost 35 years old.  This guy is 37 years old.  We're not in middle school, not on the playground or the bus.  He wasn't standing with a group of boys, pointing and laughing at me.  What in the world would possess a grown man to send that to another adult??  Who is he to fucking judge me??  First of all, hello pot, meet kettle!  He wasn't a small guy, either.  I could've easily turned it around and said that to him.  I didn't, however.  I just deleted the email and blocked him from my profile (on the dating site) and added his email to the blocked list in my email.

I had this image of going to his house and dragging him outside to kick his ass in his own yard, embarrassing him in front of his neighbors.  Obviously I didn't do that.  I had a couple of other people volunteer to do the same thing but I didn't allow them.  It baffles me that, in this day and age, people are still as shallow and unaccepting as this guy was.

Anyway, I don't know if I'll be posting again before Christmas, so.........Happy Thanksgiving!  Merry Christmas!  Happy New Year!