Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Success as a failure

I'm always feeling like the only thing I succeed at is being a failure.  I mean, everything I try to do, I fail at.  What would that lead you to believe?  I'm really good at failing.

So, with that being said, I'd like to give a quick update on my weight loss/being healthy journey.  When we last spoke, I was really gung-ho about the C25K program.  I was gonna train and run in a 5K (in time).  Well, my friends, fail I did.  I was able to do the program 3 times, that's one damn week.

I started feeling sick about 3 weeks ago, like miserably sick.  So sick, I missed work one day.  Well, I'm still feeling sick, miserable cough that just won't go away.  If you've never spent any part of spring in North Carolina, you wouldn't understand.  In the spring, this wonderful, yellow pollen starts flying through the air.  So heavy, at times, that you can see it flying through the air.  A huge, yellow haze.  It covers everything.  You can feel it on your skin, in your mouth, eyes, nose, on your clothes.  Everywhere!!  Growing up in New York, I NEVER had a problem with allergies.  Welcome to North Carolina, bitch!  I can't breathe, can't talk, can't think, can't see.  I didn't think it'd be a good idea to go outside and try to run when I couldn't even sit outside for more than 10 minutes.  So, the C25K program was pushed to the side.  I was really excited about that, too.  And, all this because of (as my wonderful friend and co-worker put it) tree spooge.

So, another of my friend/co-workers suggested that I try pilates.  I got on ebay and ordered up a DVD immediately.  I looked at youtube and found some videos and I was really excited about pilates.  It looked like a lot of fun.  I couldn't wait to get home and try it.  I've done the pilates a few times now and I really do like it.  It's not very strenuous and you don't even realize that you've at the end.

After a few days of pilates, I remembered that I have some dance aerobics dvd's at my house.  So, I put them in the rotation.  Again, a lot of fun, however, I can't keep up.  I'm slow and I can't get the moves like the instructor.  It's a little frustrating but I'm sticking with it.  I decided that I'd do dance one day and pilates the next.  I have 2 dvd's of each, so I can rotate those bitches.

To wrap up, I've failed my attempt at C25K.  I'm trying some other stuff that I'll probably fail at.  I've been soda free for so long now that I've lost count......3 months, maybe??  Also, I've lost 19.4 pounds.  I'm rounding it up to 20 because fuck you.  I lost 20 pounds.   My trip to Disney World is coming up, just 51 days away!!!!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Day One is in the books


Holy fucking shit!  I did Day 1 of the C25K challenge last night.  Okay, so, I knew it wasn't going to be easy.  I had no delusions that I'd head outside and breeze right through the challenge.  However, I wasn't prepared for how hard it actually was.

It starts with a brisk, five minute, warm-up walk.  No problem.  I take brisk walks almost every day.  Feeling pretty good, almost cocky, I did the warm-up.  Then, the voice comes on my iPhone and says "Start running."  Well, okay, I start to jog.  Mother of God!  I couldn't even make it the 60 seconds.  I did ok, I think I got 50-55ish seconds before the was gasping for air.  The bitch finally said "Start walking."  Well, I already was.  This continued for 20 more minutes.  Walk, run, walk, run.....

I wasn't able to run each time that dirty whore told me to.  And, when I did, I wasn't able to run the whole 60 seconds.  I even cursed my co-worker's name because he tried the C25K training last year but stopped because of pain in his foot.  Well, my fucking foot hurt and I swore that I'd rather cut it off then admit to him that I had foot pain.  Damnit!  I was so mad.

Pushing on; run, walk, run, walk....Christ, when is this ever going to stop!!!  Then the bitch says "One minute left."  Woooooo-hooooooo!!  I actually cheered while walking!!  After the minute, she said "You can now start your cool down."  Well, ok, I start slowly walking, making my laps smaller and smaller, thinking I can just head into the house.  Not so fast, fatty-fatty boo-ba-latty.  That cool down is another five minutes!  Will it ever end??????

When I got to the point when I didn't think I could do it anymore, I looked at my phone and saw that I was on my last minute!  My smile slowly returned to my face.  By the time I got back to the front door, that slutbag said, "Congratulations, your work out is complete!"  Praise the lord!!

I went inside and collapsed on the couch.  I didn't think I'd be able to get off the couch and make the walk to the third floor to my bedroom, but I did.  It was painful, I'm not gonna lie, but I did it.  And I'll do it again today!

Let me just list a few accomplishments I'm proud of during this journey:
1.  Lose 10 pounds
2.  Stop drinking soda - Nine weeks now!
3.  Eat healthier - I haven't been able to completely give up junk yet, but I'm on my way.  I don't eat everything in site anymore!
4.  Exercise at least 3 times a week
5.  Stop eating white bread/rice

Next up on my journey:
1.  Add upper body work out to the C25K training next week
2.  Stop eating pasta - OHMYGOD!!!!  This is so hard.  Every time I say I'm going to stop, I have to have one more pasta dish.  Just one more!  Shit, I sound like a drug addict.  Pasta is my kryptonite!

I'm proud of the progress I've made.  The end game is my health and happiness.  I sure hope that by this time next year, I will have either run in my first 5K already or I'll be preparing to run in my first one.  Fingers crossed!!!!!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Trying something new

Well, I've been steadily working out and eating better for 75 days now.  I'm now 8 weeks soda free.  I've lost 15.6 pounds.  I've had some setbacks, namely, I gained 5 pounds for no reason.  I was working out everyday, sometimes twice a day, and eating healthier foods.  Well, that 5 pounds is gone and I've lost 15.6 pounds.  I feel better and I feel like I look better.  I don't know, maybe, possibly.  Who knows?

As you may or may not know, I live with my parents.  I know, what a loser!  I'm 35 years old and I live with my parents with my 5 year old son.  Pathetic, right?  Well, for me it's not, so fuck off.  I know I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own.  I don't get child support from my son's father.  Plus, the support from my family (both of my parents, my sister, my nephew, and my grandmother) is amazing.  I mean, for example, my son has had several seizures where we've had to call 911 and he's had to ride to the hospital in an ambulance.  Well, without my family, I don't know how I would've made it through those times.  I panic in emergency situations and I couldn't even talk to the 911 operator.

Anyway, my family lives in a large home.  My son and nephew were sharing a bedroom and I had my own bedroom.  Well, this weekend, my son and I will be moving to the third floor and sharing a bedroom.  It's a huge room, the entire length and width of the house.  I'm really excited about the move because it'll give me a little more privacy (even though I'm sharing a room, but I'll get to that in a minute) and a lot more room.  I'm going to make a clear divider in the room until we get an actual room divider.  I've been obsessing about the room all week.  I've been taking decorations down and moving things around, to get ready.  I don't know why, but I really am excited about this!

Things seem to be on an upswing for me, after a pretty rough winter.  I was really sick for a while just before Thanksgiving, I had bronchitis.  Then my son got sick and was eventually hospitalized.  Then I had several issues with my car that cost a lot of money.  Just not a great winter.  However, now it seems like everything is settling down.  I'm still catching up from the car issues and Christmas and my son's birthday.

On the positive side, my sister and I are taking our sons to Disney World in June!!!  It'll be our second trip in as many years and we're so excited.  We're staying at a Disney resort (a first) and staying for 8 days!!!  We've been obsessively planning for months now, trying to get every detail perfect.  I really don't know who is more excited, me or the kids??

So, back to the reason I brought you here today.  I've decided to start the Couch to 5K (C25K) training program.  I'm sure it'll be really slow for me, I'm already planning on repeating the first few weeks.  My end goal is to run in a 5K by October 31.  I don't know how reasonable that is and I'll adjust it, if I need to.  I've NEVER run before.  Ever.  I'm very scared and I know I'll just be doing it at the house first.  Hopefully, I'll be able to start getting out on trails and tracks after that.  I just want to lose weight and be healthy.  I want to dance at my son's wedding, embarrass him at sporting events, hold my grandchildren.  Is that too much to ask?

Here's to a step in the right direction!!!

Monday, February 4, 2013

A different me

Well, a lot has changed in my life since we last spoke.  I've lost 12.8 pounds!!  Last year, I lost around 25 pounds, but I gained it all back (and then some).  I was going to the gym at least 3 times a week and really watching what I ate.  But things kind of fell apart.  I didn't have time to go to the gym, no one could watch my son.  I know that sounds like an excuse, and maybe it was, but that's what happened.

I feel like I've changed since then, though.  I just want to be healthy.  I feel like I'm happier, not 100%, but happier than I was.  I know I'm loved, I'm employed, and I know I can do this.

I'm really competitive.  So, knowing that about myself, I set up some goals for myself.  Not just weight loss goals, though.  A few different goals for my whole life.  I downloaded an app for my iPhone called iGoal Tracker and it let me set up a few different goals:
1.  Lose 10 pounds by Feb. 1  -- Done!
2.  Lose 40 pounds by June 8  -- 1/4 of the way there!
3.  Finish editing my book by March 1 -- getting there!
4.  Publish book by May 1 -- I'm looking for a publisher, if not, I'll go with Smashworks
5.  Lose 100 pounds by Jan. 24, 2014 -- 10% there!

I'm planning on adding more goals.  There was a goal that I had before I found the app and I'd like to share it.  I quit drinking soda!  Tomorrow it'll be 3 weeks since I had a soda.  It really makes me feel different to not have a soda every day.  I think that I've had a soda every day since I was about 6 years old.  With the exception of when I was pregnant and for a few months after my son was born.  For a while, I tried drinking diet soda only.  However, diet soda is just as bad, if not worse, than regular soda.  I've just been reading about things to try and make my life better.  Soda is incredibly bad, that's the bottom line.

So, I'm gonna keep moving along, in the RIGHT direction.  I'm a happier person and I want to make my life better.  Not just for me, but for my son, too!

Monday, January 14, 2013


Last year, I busted my ass and lost like 30 pounds.  Then I went do Disney World, where I walked 7-11 miles a day but I constantly ate junk.  After that, I gradually (or maybe I'm fooling myself, and it was all at once) I gained every single pound back, and then some.  I just can't live like this anymore.  I know what I'm supposed to do.  I just don't do it.  It's just so much easier for me to go through the drive thru for lunch somewhere than to make a healthy lunch.  I always eat seconds or thirds for dinner.  Seriously?  Just ridiculous.  Who does that?

Anyway, that nonsense has gotta stop.  I'm 35 years old and if I keep going the way I'm going, I'll be in an early grave.  My family has history of diabetes, heart disease, and cancer.  My little boy is about to be 5 years old, I want to be around for his important events.  Like I said, I know what I need to do, I just need to do it.

I've been destroying my body for years and years.  I know how bad I've felt.  I have problems walking up the stairs.  I can't stand for too long.  I sweat when it's above 70 degrees.  I can't tie my own shoes without propping my foot.  I know I've been doing that to myself.  However, the problem is, I noticed my son and nephew starting down the same path.  My will be 5 in a few days, he's 4' tall and weighs 70 pounds.  He can easily either be tall and athletic or not...  My nephew has put on a ton of weight the past year.  He just wants to hang out in his room and snack.  He quit every sport he was in, quit karate, and even quit boy scouts.  I don't want them to see me sitting on my fat ass and think it's okay.

So, last week, I started.  I started quietly.  I put myself on a pretty strict budget, with no room for snacking or eating out.  I bought some healthier food and started walking.  I convinced the boys to walk with me and we're now walking a mile a day.  I've even managed to get the boys to drink water, instead of soda.  Adam doesn't drink a lot of soda, once in a while, but that's still more than I'd like him to have.

I've decided I'm going to set some goals for myself.  I'll be setting weekly goals and monthly goals.  I've even got a few long-term goals.  Last week, my goals were to: 1. Make a budget.  Done!  2.  Make a work out plan.  Done!  3.  Eat healthier.  Done!

My goals for this week are: 1.  Exercise 6 times a week, for 30 minutes.  2.  Stop drinking soda.  3.  Continue to eat healthy.

My goals for the month are: 1.  Exercise 6 times a week, for 30 minutes.  2.  Make and stick to a budget.  Continue to eat healthy.  4.  Lose 5 pounds.  5.  Completely quit drinking soda.

I haven't gotten all of my long term goals in order, just yet.  I will be working them out and setting up a long term goal system.  I have a great app on my phone to help me keep track of my daily goals.  I just need to figure out what to do for my long term goals.  One of my goals is that I want to lose 20 pounds by June 8th, that's when I leave for my vacation in Disney World.

I'd like to mention that, in just one week, I've lost 3.8 pounds!!!

Positive thoughts!  I need to do this.  I can't give up.  I can't afford to do it again.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Why you may not like me

My name is Jessica.  I'm 35 years old, I have a four year old son.  I'm a single parent.  I live with my parents, my sister and her son, and my paternal grandmother.  We have two dogs, two cats, a lizard, and a guinea pig.  I work at a call center.  I'm an atheist.  I'm also a liberal democrat.

I voted for Obama in November 2012.  I'll probably vote for the democrat in 2016.  I believe in equal rights, gay marriage, a woman's right to choose, equal pay for equal work, going green, universal health care, and gun control.

I've never felt comfortable around guns.  They've always scared me.  I don't even like to touch them.  December 14, 1992 permanently took away any interest I had for guns.

I was in Mr. Backus's Global Studies class, in the ninth grade, at Walton Central School.  In two days, I would turn 15 years old, just a year away from getting my driver's license.  That day I wore a Christmas sweatshirt and socks and a Santa hat to school.  We were taking a quiz on the Five Pillars of Islam that I was sure I was going to fail.  I remember it being really cold in the room, it was, after all, at the end of the hall with one whole wall of windows.  It was always cold in that room.  Mr. Backus handed out the quizzes and I remember staring at the paper.  There was a loud bang in the hallway that sounded like another classroom door had been slammed shut.  A moment later, I heard, what sounded like, a bunch of kids yelling and screaming.  I distinctly remember hearing one boy yell, "Where the hell is fucking Mr. Ward?"

Mr. Backus stepped out of the room and everyone looked around nervously.  Another teacher, I don't remember who, stepped inside and told us that we needed to leave.  Everyone got up and started walking down the hallway, toward the front entrance.  I was taking my time, chatting with one of my friends, when we made the turn to the next hallway and our Spanish teacher stepped out from the ISS room and said, "You need to move!  Run!"

That's when the fear set in.

What was happening at my school?

Walton is a small town, a couple of hours northwest of New York City.  The school system is pretty small, about 100 students in each grade level.  It's the kind of place where everyone knows everyone, or knows someone who does.

Finally, breathless, I found myself outside, standing in the grass, across the street from the main entrance to the school.  I could hear people around me talking about "some kid" that was shooting people in the school.  My mind immediately went to the image of "some kid" walking around the school, shooting whoever got in his way.  I was shaking.  I had NEVER heard of anything like this happening.

After standing in the cold for, what seemed like a long time, one of the teachers stepped outside and told us we could come inside but we needed to go directly to the auditorium.  The school's auditorium was set up like a theater.  There were theater seats and a stage.

From what I can remember, there were teachers standing in front of the stage and the students took seats.  One of the teachers, I can't remember who, told us that there had been a shooting and someone had been hurt.  Thankfully, no one was killed and they had the shooter in custody.  I don't remember much after that.  There's a vague memory of an older girl asking a lot of questions, but I can't remember what they were.

After a bit, they told us that we could call our parents and go home.  I remember this vividly.  I just wanted my Mom.  I knew that she had a 22 hour shift at work and I wouldn't see her until the next day.  I called my grandparents and asked them to come get me.  I stood by the front entrance and watched for my grandparents car.  I remember talking to someone and getting a hug from someone else.

After a time, I looked up and saw my Mom walking toward me!  I was so happy and relieved and scared and sad.  I ran out and hugged her.  After that, we went to pick up my sister and cousin from the middle school and went home.

I didn't know the shooter.  I had read that he came to school with a rifle, wanted to read a poem, and commit suicide.  The teacher intervened and tried to take his gun away, getting shot in the process.  There were heroes in the class; two students tackled the shooter and held him until the police came.

I was scared to go to school after that day.  I had nightmares for a long time.  The room where the shooting took place was closed for the remainder of the school year.

Every time there is a school shooting, it brings up the memories of that day.  I usually have nightmares for several days.  I've come to the realization that I'll just have to live with this.

For this reason, above all else, I don't like guns.  I will never own a gun.  I don't think all guns should be banned, however.  I think it's okay for people to have rifles for hunting.  If someone wants to carry a handgun, I'm not comfortable with it, but that's their choice. I think there should be testing and background checks to own any type of gun.  Someone with a history of mental illness needs to be seriously reconsidered when applying to purchase a gun.  There should be drug testing, too.  And that's what I think it should be, an application to purchase a gun.  Credit check, background check, drug test, mental health evaluation.

I do think there should be a ban on assault rifles.  There is no reason for average, everyday citizens to have these guns.  And the huge rounds of ammo should be banned, as well.  Armor piercing bullets should be banned.  Americans should not be able to purchase these things.

I've been reading some of the arguments online, in the wake of the Newtown, CT shootings.  Some are saying that, if we ban assault rifles, the criminals will have them anyway.  That may be true, however, we've made drugs illegal and the criminals still have them.  Should we make them legal?  What about murder?  That's illegal but people still do it, should we legalize that, too?  Stealing?  Rape?  It just doesn't make sense, to me, to have this argument.  The only reason for these types of guns to exist is to take out large numbers of people in combat.  Are you going to shoot a deer 22 times with an assault rifle?  Why does a divorced mother with children need a gun like this?  Why does a college student need a gun like this?

The argument that I see most often is that it is our second Amendment right to bear arms.  That's true, it is.  We are not living in the same time when that Amendment was written.  I do agree with the Constitution, people have the right to bear arms.  I'm not saying that we ban all guns.  Just make it so that ordinary citizens cannot own combat or assault rifles.  That's all they're made for.

I feel I've made my point.  I know some of you may not agree with me.  I know where I grew up.  There was a lot of hunting and sport shooting.  I know where I live now.  The same is true here.  I live in the Bible belt, now.  Hell, I saw a news report about one of the cities close to where I live where you can get your picture taken with Santa and your guns.  I saw this report on Saturday, just one day after the shooting in Newtown.

In closing, I'd just like to say, to the people of Newtown, I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now.  We're all thinking about you and we're all with you.  To the first responders and the teachers who gave their lives trying to protect your students, thank you.  We'll never know how many lives were saved by your actions that day.  I know it seems like so little, but it's all I have, but thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Why do I lie to myself?

I'm going to lay a few things out there.  I gained back every single pound I lost while I was working out, and a few more on top of that.  I have a hard time going to the gym because I have no one to watch my son.  Plus, I'm lazy.  Lazy and fat.  That's me.

I know everyone says that if I just get up and move, I'll start losing weight.  I know that.  I'm not stupid.  I'll be 35 years old in just a couple of weeks.  I also weigh about 380 pounds.  I also haven't been to the doctor in almost five years.  My company doesn't offer insurance and since I am "morbidly obese" I was refused when I tried to buy my own insurance.  I was even refused life insurance.  All these things aren't really great for my already fragile self esteem.  I get very depressed.  There are days, even weeks, when all I want to do is lay in bed.  I don't even want to watch tv or read.  Sometimes, the only thing that gets me out of bed is my little boy.  Oh, who am I kidding?  That's everyday.

Speaking of getting older, I feel like a failure and a fraud.  What have I done with my life??  Sure, I'm a mother, but is that all??  Will that be my only identity for the rest of my life??  I wanted so much more than doing what I'm doing.  If you had asked me, when I was in school, where I would be when I was 35, I'm sure the little, idealistic Jessie would've given you some grandiose vision of fame and fortune.  Well, I have neither.

I wish I could say that I plan to start working out again, every day.  But I don't.  It's next to impossible for me to get to the gym to do that, and my gym is not 24 hours.  I wish I could say that I could say I was going to start working out at home.  But I won't.  I'm constantly exhausted and I have a million other excuses as to why I can't and won't.  I know what I need to do, I really do.  I was doing it.  I started looking and feeling good for a long while.

Let's take a moment to explore an illness that I do have, hypothyroidism.  This is what wikipedia has to say about the disease:  One of the symptoms is weight gain.  Guess what?  I have that!  I also have uncontrolled hypothyroidism, being that I haven't been to the doctor in five  years.  Sometimes I'm convinced that I can FEEL my thyroid in my throat.  It's scary and I would LOVE to go to the doctor to get medication to feel better.  But, it's just not gonna happen.

Well, in closing, I'd like to share a little story.  I went on a date a couple of weeks ago.  It was nice, we met on a dating site (for shame).  We had a lovely lunch and had a two hour conversation.  He was a gentleman and walked me to my car after lunch and asked if we could see each other again.  I said yes and looked forward to having another date (as I haven't been on one in a LONG time!).  Well, that evening, I got another email that said the same, he'd had a nice time, would like to go out again.

The next day, however, was a different story.  I opened my email and read, "I knew you were big, but I didn't think you were THAT big.  You are disgusting and you wasted my time."

Now, I've said this a couple of times in this post, but I'm almost 35 years old.  This guy is 37 years old.  We're not in middle school, not on the playground or the bus.  He wasn't standing with a group of boys, pointing and laughing at me.  What in the world would possess a grown man to send that to another adult??  Who is he to fucking judge me??  First of all, hello pot, meet kettle!  He wasn't a small guy, either.  I could've easily turned it around and said that to him.  I didn't, however.  I just deleted the email and blocked him from my profile (on the dating site) and added his email to the blocked list in my email.

I had this image of going to his house and dragging him outside to kick his ass in his own yard, embarrassing him in front of his neighbors.  Obviously I didn't do that.  I had a couple of other people volunteer to do the same thing but I didn't allow them.  It baffles me that, in this day and age, people are still as shallow and unaccepting as this guy was.

Anyway, I don't know if I'll be posting again before Christmas, so.........Happy Thanksgiving!  Merry Christmas!  Happy New Year!