Suck it up, Sally

I'm struggling. I've eaten a lot of junk this past week that I didn't need to eat. I ate 2 boxes of Thin Mints Girl Scout cookies. That's right, 2 boxes. Oh, and I had 2 chicken biscuits from Bojangles today. Oh, and pizza. Oh, and Chinese. Oh, and I didn't work out Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I lost another pound, but imagine what i would've done if I didn't eat so much junk and I worked out?? I'm trying not to feel down about it, but that's kind of hard.

I went to the gym tonight and met with a trainer, for the first time ever. She showed me a routine to do on the machines and hurt me. She kept pushing me and I needed that. Holy hell it's going to be hard!!! I'm pretty sore tonight. It's a good sore, I suppose.

I want to take a moment and really point something out that bothers me. Maybe you don't notice you do it, maybe you don't do it. But, whenever I go somewhere in public, 9 times out of 10, people pretend not to see me. For example, I went to Best Buy and spent over $200. Well, when I was looking for my item, the person who helped, walked past me and asked my sister if she needed help. She then told him I was looking for the iPods and he pointed us to another person. Well, I made my purchase and went to leave the store. At the door, there was a security person that was stopping people and checking receipts. I waited while he checked this woman's purchases and then I asked him if he needed to check my receipt. He looked away. I asked again, he sighed heavily and then just looked at me and said "no." That kind of thing happens to me all the time. I really try to be friendly and smile at people, but those who know me know that I'm shy. I really try to make a point of smiling at people. Tonight, I was at a restaurant waiting for the dinner I ordered and a teacher from my son's school was there. She looked at me 7 times before she finally "saw" me and I said "hello." Does this happen to other people?? Other people who aren't heavy????

So, I did terrible on my goals last week:

1. Get up earlier - still doesn't happen

2. Be more positive - still a work in progress

3. C25K training 5 days - I got 2 in last week, it's really hard

4. Read the book my friend gave me - I just didn't get to it

So, I'm repeating all those goals again this week, plus I'm adding:

5. Get homework and finals done - They're due March 9

Not a great week last week. I'm vowing to make this week better. Next week will be even better. The week after we leave for Disney World, I don't think I'll be working out while I'm there. I'll try.

Can you believe it??

I'm happy! I know, I know. It must be a lie. But, alas, I'm actually really happy at the moment. For one, I lost 3 pounds last week. That brings my total lost now to 15 pounds, I'm down to 355!!!! Go me!!! I've decided to train for a 5K, my co-worker brought it up and I'm on board! I'm giving myself a year to do it, but I know I can!!! I've done 2 days of interval training and they're kicking my ass, but I'm doing them........

Oh yea, I'm going to Disney World!!!! I'm taking my son, with my sister and my nephew, and we're all going to Disney!!!! I just paid for the trip today! I don't know who is more excited, me or the kids. I just can't wait to see their little faces when we drive into Disney for the first time. I feel like I'll cry.

So, my goals for last week were the following:

1. Get up earlier....ughh, fail. It goes back on next week's goals.

2. "I love.." and "I'm grateful" lists. I set myself a reminder timer on my phone to do them every night and I'm succeeding! Yay me!!

3. Gym 3 times a week...score.

4. Be more positive. That is something I struggle with. I'm really trying. Hell, this post is pretty effing positive, if you ask me. I'm celebrating how well I did this past week, even though I had a couple of off days.

My new goals for this week are:

1. Get up earlier.....my God, will it ever end?

2. Be more positive. I'm putting this on the list until people are sick of my damn chipper moods!!

3. Couch to 5K training 3 days. Guess who's already it twice this week????

4. Read a book that a co-worker gave me. He said it'll help me with being more positive

So, thanks to all of you who are reading and cheering me on. I know I can do this. I'm already kicking a little arse!!!

4.

Had a bad day.

Today I had a bad day. I really needed a gym partner today, for some reason I couldn't do it alone. I had ample opportunity to head to the gym, but I really needed someone with me. I couldn't get anyone to go. So, I had 4 cookies for breakfast. Then I had a half sandwich and a giant salad for lunch. Then I had a piece of birthday cake. Then I took a 3 hour nap. And for dinner, I had 2 chicken biscuits from Bojangles and a large Mountain Dew. I had pretty much quit drinking soda, but today I had 2 (including lunch). I feel awful. I really just want to lay in my bed and cry. Actually, I've wanted to do that for several hours now and I still want to do it. I'm going to force myself to work out at home tonight and the gym is not open on Sunday.

I guess my depression got the better of me today. I can pretend I'm happy but I'm really not. If not for my beautiful son, I'd spend days in my bed. I feel like I failed today. My feelings hurt because I couldn't get a gym partner today, too. I need to not make excuses and do what I need to do, but I just needed support today.

Today it begins...

Well not really. That's false advertisement. I went to the gym tonight. My second trip to the gym. It was fun, my Mom and I took an aerobics class....ouch! I stuck it out, though. I walked with my friends at work today, 3/4 mile. Not bad for a fat girl.

I have a lot on my mind this week. I'm kind of behind in my school work, which I don't like. I'm paying out of pocket for these classes, I want to pass them. I'm making slow strides to catch up. I'm just hoping I catch up in time for the final, that's fast approaching. Another thing fast approaching is my vacation. I'm taking my son to Disney World, along with my sister and my nephew. I don't know who is more excited, though, me and my sister or the kids?? I was really worried about going for a few reasons: 1. There is a lot of walking. I didn't think I'd be able to make it one day, let alone the 5 we're planning. 2. I didn't think I'd fit in the rides. I'm still worried about that, to be honest. But I've still got about a month, so, whatever happens, happens. 3. We're driving, it's a 12 hour drive, at least. I was worried about how my body would handle the trip. I'm rocking on working on my fitness, I can handle 12 hours of ass-numbing driving. Suck it up, Sally!

For those who usually read this, you'll notice I'm a little more upbeat today. I'm really, really trying to be more positive. In fact, that's one of my goals this week. Here are my goals for this week: 1. Get up earlier.....Holy mother effing g-d son of a motherless goat c-wording sharting I cannot do that!!!!! No matter what I do, me and that snooze button are having some kind of love affair! I try to set my clock ahead to trick myself but then I end up doing math at 5 in the morning. 2. I'm still working on writing my "I'm grateful for..." and "I love..." lists. I set an alarm on my phone to remind myself to do it every night. I'm getting there, slowly. 3. Go to the gym 3 times a week. Well, I've gone twice this week, just 1 more.... 4. Be more positive. I mentioned this. I'm a pretty negative, crab ass person. I'm going to try and change that.....

I also set a long term goal. I was talking to one of my friends today who says he's inspired by me (I'm putting words in his mouth) and he's decided he wants to be in a 5K. Well, I've set a long term goal that in 1 year I will be in a 5K, either running or walking. I'm going to do it, damnit!! I didn't think I'd ever be able to stop drinking soda, but I'm pretty much over that, so, I can do a 5K.

Hell, I forgot to mention that I won the Biggest Loser challenge at my office!!! I'm still at 358.0, but that's still down 12 pounds!!! I bragged on that all day. I feel pretty damn good about myself....except the body aches from aerobics tonight.

So, if there's anyone out there who has any insight into how to train for a 5K, please tell me I'm heading in the right direction. My end goal is to lose 200 pounds. I can do it!!!

Where do we go from here?

I'm kind of a nerd. While listening to the soundtrack to the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer tonight, the song "Where Do We Go From Here?" came on and was pretty meaningful to me. I'm at a point in my recovery where I'm not sure where to go. I think I'm going in the right direction. I joined a gym today, with my mother and my sister. I don't know how often they'll go. They both seem excited, however, I can't get either of them to work out with me at home. Well, I haven't so far. I've been working out at home for 4 and a half weeks now. That's 4 weeks and 2 days longer than I've ever worked out before. I've been keeping track of my progress on a couple of charts I created.

Where I have failed is in my list of goals. This was something important that I really wanted to accomplish but I haven't done it. I wrote 2 weeks of goals and failed miserably at both. One of my goals, something that I really want to do, is to write my list of things I love and things I'm grateful for. Want to know something I love? I love how fast I can type. Seriously. Thank you, Mr. Shackleton (RIP). I also went out to eat today. Well, I went out twice this week. The first time was to Golden Corral. I did pretty well there, however, I wasn't feeling well. I ate salad, fruit, broccoli, chicken terryaki, bourbon chicken, and more fruit. Not bad, right? Not until I went to lunch today and had an entree and an appetizer. I brought half of my appetizer home, but I still pigged out. I'm still feeling full right now, actually. I had soup, Southwestern egg rolls, French fries, and half of a California club sandwich (at Chili's). I even felt gross ordering it.

I feel broken tonight.

I'm sexy and I know it...

...Well, not really.

Welcome back! It's Tuesday, know what that means?? Weigh in day!!! I'm down another 2 pounds, for a total of 12 pounds. I currently weigh 358.2lbs. Exciting, right?? I'm thismuch closer to being a little bit less morbidly obese. Congratulations to me. Next week is the last week of the Biggest Loser at work. I'm pretty sure I know who the winner is...

I'm in a depression. It's that time of year for me. When I was in school, this is when my grades would drop. Right now I just want to sleep all day. It would be nice to even go to a hotel and sleep for like a week. I know this is a hard time of year for most people. The suicide rates are highest in March. I'm not suicidal by any means, it's just this is a hard time of year for people. I've been spending an exorbitant amount of time feeling sorry for myself.

I'm sad because I'm lonely. I'm sad because I'm fat. I'm sad because I'm single. I'm sad because I'm always thinking I'm a bad mother. I'm sad because I'm broke. I'm sad because I'm 34 and live with my parents. I'm sad because my job makes me sad. I'm sad because because because because... I'm always comparing myself to other people. Whenever I go somewhere, I always look around to see if I'm the fattest one in the room. Most of the time I am. The good news is that most people ignore the fattest person in the room....

I've been working really hard on being healthy. I've been avoiding chocolate (and other junk) as much as possible. I haven't gone for seconds (or thirds or fourths) on meals. I'm drinking a ton of water (I pee constantly). I'm working out. And all of this, I'm keeping track of in a journal.

I'm taking my son to Disney World next month and I'm really excited about it. However, I'm also scared to death. I'm so worried that I'll be too fat to ride the rides. When I went to Disney 5 years ago, I was fine, but I've gained a lot of weight since then. I mean a lot. When I was pregnant, I lost a ton of weight, but I certainly gained it back, and then some. There's a picture of me right after I got home from the hospital and I actually look "skinny." Can you believe that?? Me neither.

Another thing has been pissing me off. I've really been trying to get to an online Overeaters Anonymous meeting. However, I they won't let me. Am I really too fat for OA? I really need help and since I don't have medical insurance, I figured I'd take help where I can get it. I know that eventually I'll have to go to the doctor, but I just can't afford it right now. Have I mentioned that I'm broke?? I don't get child support, I pay for everything myself!

I haven't written my goals for this week yet. I wasn't successful with last week's goals. Namely, the goal to write the list of 10 things I love about myself. The hard part is that I can never repeat them. And 1o things I'm grateful for, that's a little easier but still challenging. I did that twice last week. I keep "forgetting" to make those lists. There, I just wrote the one for tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, it's Nana's 81st birthday! The entire family is taking Nana to the Golden Corral for dinner. The GC (as I like to call it) is a mother effing buffet. How am I going to be healthy at a mother effing buffet?? Restaurant food is already bad for you and I will have an all-you-can-eat endless mountain of food.....I'm so scared!!!

Push it

I've learned a few things about myself this week. I had a pretty down couple of days. Even though I should have been feeling pretty good, I was kind of depressed. In all honesty, I still am. But, I learned I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Let me lay it all out there: I'm a 34 year old, single mother, who still lives with her parents. I don't get any child support from my son's father and I don't get public assistance, food stamps, or welfare. The only assistance I do get is Medicaid so I can take my son to the doctor. I work my ass off so we can have a decent life. I can't give him everything he wants, but I do what I can. I want to be around for that little boy for as long as possible. He went to a Boy Scout event today, as a family member, and raced in the Pine Wood Derby. Well, that little stinker won one of his races! I was so proud that I almost cried. I want to have a million more moments like that!!!!

I've lost track of my point...did I even have one?? Anyway, I've been pushing myself this week, eating better, less snacking, more moving, blahblahblah. I'm hoping it's paying off. I wish I had taken my measurements when I started this whole thing. I've been keeping a diary of everything I eat, all the exercises I do, and my goals for the week. I've been really doing pretty good at keeping track of these things. I was going to input them on my computer but I got frustrated with the form (I made the original at work) and gave up for tonight.

I really didn't have a point in this post. Just to let my readers know that I'm still here. I'm not as down as I was on Tuesday, but I'm hanging in there. I've had a pretty uneventful week. I do want to say thank you to everyone who reads this. I have some really great friends and family. I don't know how much more of this I could do without you. I'm still busting ass, still pushing myself, still eating less and making better choices. I wish I saw differences in how I look, though. The only thing that lets me know is the numbers on the scale, that and a couple pairs of pants a bit bigger than they used to be.......hopefully I'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe.