Sunday, June 10, 2012

Utter Failure

Disclaimer:  I'm going to be doing a lot of swearing in this post.  If you're not comfortable with it, please do not read any further.  Thank you.

I'm a fucking mess.  I'm kind of in the middle of a pretty serious depression.  I've basically stopped going the gym.  I haven't been in almost 2 weeks.  I'm pretty sure I've gained back every pound I lost.  That'd also be because, once again, I can't stop eating.  I eat, sometimes, when I'm not even hungry.  It's fucking disgusting.  I'm sure people look at me and think I'm one of the fattest, nastiest pieces of shit they've ever seen.  In fact, I'm pretty sure this is true.  Quick, wanna know what I had for breakfast this morning?  Listen to this shit: Greek yogurt with granola (my attempt at being healthy), 4 coconut macaroons, a chicken biscuit from Bojangles, a *diet* sunkist orange soda, and 2 shortbread cookies.  Who eats that shit?  For breakfast??  Are you fucking kidding me??  Geez, I wonder why I'm so fucking fat?

So, let's go back to my depression.  I'm in love with my little boy.  He is the greatest thing in my world.  I love to listen to him talk and sing and watching him dance and walk and play.  But sometimes I feel like he's the ONLY thing in my world.  I don't have any kind of social life.  I don't go on dates.  I don't go out with friends.  I don't do a lot of things.  He calls me beautiful and, believe me, I don't hear that often.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my son.  I love spending time with him more than anything.  In fact, I have serious guilt whenever I spend time away from him.  Like right now, I'm at work instead of being at home with him.  Like last night when he went to a baseball game and I wasn't feeling well enough to go.  Like in July when he's going to NY and I'm working.  Like when he's going camping in June and I hate it, oh, and I have to work.

I love the sentiment that "I can do it!"  Stay positive!  I feel like it's bull shit!  I feel like I'm lying to myself.  I know I need to push myself and blah blah.  But I don't feel like I can.  I feel like I AM going to fail and I AM going to die young.  I don't want that to happen but for fuck's sake, I don't know what else to do.

I'd like to say I have a plan, but I don't.  I'm just going to start trying again, harder, and keep trying.  I'm weaning myself of my caffeine addiction.  I should be completely "clean" by the end of this week.  I hope so, anyway.  When I was pregnant, I didn't drink any soda and it didn't bother me.  And, I lost 20 pounds.

I just don't know how to get my shit together.  It's like I take 1 step forward and I fall 2 fucking MILES back!  I feel lost and confused and alone.