Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Tough one

Did you hear? I lost 10 lbs!!! That's TEN POUNDS!!! I can't remember the last time I lost 10 pounds. Oh wait, it was just after I had Adam, so, January 2008. I feel pretty freakin' great! Here, I have proof.

Anyway, who gets excited about weighing 360.2 lbs? Me, that's who! Those are my sexy feet, in my sexy trouser socks, by the way.

I don't, however, feel sexy. You see, dear reader, it's been 4 long, lonely years since I've been on a date. It's not that I think I need a man, obviously I don't. I've been without one for 4 years. And, obviously Aaron Rodgers doesn't believe that he's my boyfriend....So, I put a profile up on a dating site, thinking, "what can it hurt? I'll get a couple emails and maybe make a couple friends. Maybe I can have a date for Valentine's day, even." Well, I haven't gotten a single email. Not one. Sure, people look at my profile, I send emails, all of that. But does anyone respond? Nope. Please spare me the "oh, you've got such a pretty face" or the "men are pigs" bull shit. I've heard it before. I know. Pretty face, blah. Does that mean nothing else about me is pretty? "Oh, you're such a funny girl" Well, obviously that doesn't get me out of the house. I don't want it to sting this much, but it does. There's married people that I know that are getting more side action than I'm getting. Not that I'm looking for action. An adult conversation would suit me. Maybe a little hand holding? A quick hug?? Too much to ask???

Wow, so writing all that just got me pretty emotional. I guess I'm saying that I'm lonely. I'm a fucking awesome catch. I guess no one wants a 6' tall, 360 lb, 34 year old, single mother who still lives with her parents. Wait! I own my own car!

You may not know this, but the last time I was in love (with my son's father, we'll call him SD) was not good. SD was pretty awful to me. There are things that happened with him and in our relationship that I don't know if I'll ever be over them. He took away 5 years of my life. He gave me my son, the only good thing to ever come from him. I don't know how to act, how to date, how to flirt, how to anything. He ruined me for all future suitors. Sometimes I feel like I really fucked up my life with him, I mean, I did. At least I made it out alive.

So, back to the task at hand. I'm working on my goals for the week. Here they are, check them out:
1. Add 2 more reps to each work out.
2. Work on the daily "I love" and "I'm grateful for" lists (again, so hard to find 10 different things, every day that I love about myself)
3. Get out of bed earlier

I write my list of things I love about myself at night, before I go to bed and email them to myself, to read at work in the morning. Well, tonight, to be honest, I'm not feeling it. I can't think of any damn thing I love. That makes me sad.

I started out so positive tonight and I'm ending on a sad note. I don't want to be sad but I'm just not feeling happy any more tonight. I'll try again tomorrow.


  1. You should love that you have big balls....and that's something to love no matter what that scale says. You have courage to be a single Mom, to put your soul out there for all to judge, and to do the unheard of in womanhood and unveil the number on the scale. Those are things you should love.

  2. Hey baby doll! I understand the reason why talking about SD brings you down, its like picking at a scab and it starts bleeding again, you are not healed yet. My only advice I have with that is start forgiving yourself first. What do I mean by that, well I think all of us that have had abusive relationships hold ourselves at fault...I let it happen, I stayed...over and over, ect ect you know what things you say in your head. Write a list if all the things YOU think you did wrong if judge yourself on, then read each one out loud starting with: I forgive myself for...blah blah! Then for other things you do, just because he is not physically there with you, you sometimes hear all the bad things he said to you and everyone else for that matter. I call that...I'm in an abusive relationship with myself. After you do that list and exercise, believe it. Then write down everyone that ever hurt you (which is everyone BTW) and write something specific that they did that hurt and read out loud: I forgive you ____ for blah blah. I think this should help in many aspects of your life, we are the ones that hold ourselves back! I hope this helps, it helped me! Love you!