Saturday, July 14, 2012

Sad times

I've been having a rough few weeks.  I have no ambition to do anything.  It's hard to pull myself out of bed.  On top of that, I live in North Carolina and it's been, at least, 105 degrees for days on end.  That makes it even harder for me to want to do something.  I kept telling my little boy that it was too hot to go swimming.  Can you imagine what a fat ass I must be to tell my beautiful, little boy that it's too hot to go swimming??  I mean, don't you go swimming to cool off.  I can't understand.

There are a lot of things on my mind lately.  Petty things like:  I'm tired of being single.  Should I color my hair:  Do my glasses make my eyes look too small?  And then there are things that I really should be concerned about, like:  How am I ever going to pay for my student loans?  Why can't I have a job where I have benefits?  Why can't my POS sperm donor just do one MFing thing I ask of him?  When should I write my will?  What if I die too young, will my son remember me?  It's all making me pretty depressed.  The depression is (partially) what is keeping me in bed or on the couch or in the recliner.

I looked back over some of the paperwork I had when I was working out and losing weight.  I was really doing well for 6 months.  It wasn't all great, all the time.  But I was working out and I was losing weight.  I stopped though.  Just stopped.  No reason.  I wanted to start eating junk again, so I did.  I was "too busy" to go to the gym, so I stopped.  There's a sign that hangs in my gym that says "You're too busy to work out, so are you too busy to die."  I just don't understand why I can't get motivated to do something.  My head knows all the things I'm supposed to do.  But I can't do it.  I keep saying "tomorrow will be the day" and when that doesn't work "the first of the month" and then "starting Friday."  I can't do it.  I feel like a worthless, fat, disgusting, pile of shit.  I can't even walk up 4 stairs without pain.  Imagine what that is like?  I'm 34 years old and I can't make it up 4 stairs.  I haven't been on a date in 4 years.  I can't tie my own shoes.  I can't fit into booths at restaurants.  I can't fit into some cars.  I can't ride some rides at amusement parks.  There are a lot of "I can't's."

I don't know how to get to the "I can's."

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