Sunday, June 10, 2012

Utter Failure

Disclaimer:  I'm going to be doing a lot of swearing in this post.  If you're not comfortable with it, please do not read any further.  Thank you.

I'm a fucking mess.  I'm kind of in the middle of a pretty serious depression.  I've basically stopped going the gym.  I haven't been in almost 2 weeks.  I'm pretty sure I've gained back every pound I lost.  That'd also be because, once again, I can't stop eating.  I eat, sometimes, when I'm not even hungry.  It's fucking disgusting.  I'm sure people look at me and think I'm one of the fattest, nastiest pieces of shit they've ever seen.  In fact, I'm pretty sure this is true.  Quick, wanna know what I had for breakfast this morning?  Listen to this shit: Greek yogurt with granola (my attempt at being healthy), 4 coconut macaroons, a chicken biscuit from Bojangles, a *diet* sunkist orange soda, and 2 shortbread cookies.  Who eats that shit?  For breakfast??  Are you fucking kidding me??  Geez, I wonder why I'm so fucking fat?

So, let's go back to my depression.  I'm in love with my little boy.  He is the greatest thing in my world.  I love to listen to him talk and sing and watching him dance and walk and play.  But sometimes I feel like he's the ONLY thing in my world.  I don't have any kind of social life.  I don't go on dates.  I don't go out with friends.  I don't do a lot of things.  He calls me beautiful and, believe me, I don't hear that often.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my son.  I love spending time with him more than anything.  In fact, I have serious guilt whenever I spend time away from him.  Like right now, I'm at work instead of being at home with him.  Like last night when he went to a baseball game and I wasn't feeling well enough to go.  Like in July when he's going to NY and I'm working.  Like when he's going camping in June and I hate it, oh, and I have to work.

I love the sentiment that "I can do it!"  Stay positive!  I feel like it's bull shit!  I feel like I'm lying to myself.  I know I need to push myself and blah blah.  But I don't feel like I can.  I feel like I AM going to fail and I AM going to die young.  I don't want that to happen but for fuck's sake, I don't know what else to do.

I'd like to say I have a plan, but I don't.  I'm just going to start trying again, harder, and keep trying.  I'm weaning myself of my caffeine addiction.  I should be completely "clean" by the end of this week.  I hope so, anyway.  When I was pregnant, I didn't drink any soda and it didn't bother me.  And, I lost 20 pounds.

I just don't know how to get my shit together.  It's like I take 1 step forward and I fall 2 fucking MILES back!  I feel lost and confused and alone.


  1. No matter how much you put yourself down, there is one thing that I know and will always believe: you are one of the most beautiful people I know.

    Remember who you truly are inside.

    It's the most important thing you can do for yourself, to remember to love you.

    Memories are awesome. They help us to realize and remember where we wanted to be, who we wanted to be at certain points of our lives.

    Want to know what I remember?

    It was a cold day, and I walked into Mr. Seneshal's class without knowing how things worked in this new school. I remember there was a test that day that I took but I didn't have to. When Mr. Seneshal was out of the room, people were firing questions at me and saying things, even calling me names. And then there was you. You sat in the front row, I think next to Chad Swartout. And you told them all to shut up and leave me alone.

    If it wasn't for you, I don't think I would have made it through that day. You were kind to me and it started an amazing journey of a friendship I would have never known to have otherwise. I too felt lost and alone then, and several times after that, but it was always you who somehow was there for me when I needed you the most.

    Because of you I try to be the best friend I can be. I don't always succeed, I know I have failed sometimes, as we all do, but I continue to strive for the kind of friend you have been to me.

    I love you, Jess. No matter what, nothing can change that. You are so beautiful, kind, loving and STRONG.

    You have been so strong for so long throughout life because there was never any other option but to keep doing what you do till you got out of the funk. I know you have been through a lot, put up with a lot, dealt with it day after day and tried to keep your head up so no one could see your tears.

    It's okay to feel confused, to feel alone, depressed, sad, and whatever else you're feeling right now. I think it's good to reflect on the bad things but, don't forget to reflect on the good things too. That's what helps keep us grounded.

    I just want you to know that I'm here for you, that I love you, and it's okay to feel what you feel, but remember who you are inside, deep inside, the person that you locked away because you thought someone would hate you and you wanted to protect yourself and started building up all these walls.

    Remember your dreams and what makes you the happiest and put a little of that in your day, every day. Allow yourself to celebrate each and every moment and especially celebrate the small steps.

    "I'm weaning myself of my caffeine addiction. I should be completely "clean" by the end of this week." That's AWESOME! Small steps, Jess, lead to great distances.

    You CAN do this. I have faith in you!

    ~Disco Inferno

    1. It took me so long to respond to my friend. I read this and I cried. Thank you for this. I'm getting back on track. I'm doing my best. It can't happen over night, if I even try, I'll fail. I know with the support of my friends and family, I will beat this disease!