Why you may not like me

My name is Jessica.  I'm 35 years old, I have a four year old son.  I'm a single parent.  I live with my parents, my sister and her son, and my paternal grandmother.  We have two dogs, two cats, a lizard, and a guinea pig.  I work at a call center.  I'm an atheist.  I'm also a liberal democrat.

I voted for Obama in November 2012.  I'll probably vote for the democrat in 2016.  I believe in equal rights, gay marriage, a woman's right to choose, equal pay for equal work, going green, universal health care, and gun control.

I've never felt comfortable around guns.  They've always scared me.  I don't even like to touch them.  December 14, 1992 permanently took away any interest I had for guns.

I was in Mr. Backus's Global Studies class, in the ninth grade, at Walton Central School.  In two days, I would turn 15 years old, just a year away from getting my driver's license.  That day I wore a Christmas sweatshirt and socks and a Santa hat to school.  We were taking a quiz on the Five Pillars of Islam that I was sure I was going to fail.  I remember it being really cold in the room, it was, after all, at the end of the hall with one whole wall of windows.  It was always cold in that room.  Mr. Backus handed out the quizzes and I remember staring at the paper.  There was a loud bang in the hallway that sounded like another classroom door had been slammed shut.  A moment later, I heard, what sounded like, a bunch of kids yelling and screaming.  I distinctly remember hearing one boy yell, "Where the hell is fucking Mr. Ward?"

Mr. Backus stepped out of the room and everyone looked around nervously.  Another teacher, I don't remember who, stepped inside and told us that we needed to leave.  Everyone got up and started walking down the hallway, toward the front entrance.  I was taking my time, chatting with one of my friends, when we made the turn to the next hallway and our Spanish teacher stepped out from the ISS room and said, "You need to move!  Run!"

That's when the fear set in.

What was happening at my school?

Walton is a small town, a couple of hours northwest of New York City.  The school system is pretty small, about 100 students in each grade level.  It's the kind of place where everyone knows everyone, or knows someone who does.

Finally, breathless, I found myself outside, standing in the grass, across the street from the main entrance to the school.  I could hear people around me talking about "some kid" that was shooting people in the school.  My mind immediately went to the image of "some kid" walking around the school, shooting whoever got in his way.  I was shaking.  I had NEVER heard of anything like this happening.

After standing in the cold for, what seemed like a long time, one of the teachers stepped outside and told us we could come inside but we needed to go directly to the auditorium.  The school's auditorium was set up like a theater.  There were theater seats and a stage.

From what I can remember, there were teachers standing in front of the stage and the students took seats.  One of the teachers, I can't remember who, told us that there had been a shooting and someone had been hurt.  Thankfully, no one was killed and they had the shooter in custody.  I don't remember much after that.  There's a vague memory of an older girl asking a lot of questions, but I can't remember what they were.

After a bit, they told us that we could call our parents and go home.  I remember this vividly.  I just wanted my Mom.  I knew that she had a 22 hour shift at work and I wouldn't see her until the next day.  I called my grandparents and asked them to come get me.  I stood by the front entrance and watched for my grandparents car.  I remember talking to someone and getting a hug from someone else.

After a time, I looked up and saw my Mom walking toward me!  I was so happy and relieved and scared and sad.  I ran out and hugged her.  After that, we went to pick up my sister and cousin from the middle school and went home.

I didn't know the shooter.  I had read that he came to school with a rifle, wanted to read a poem, and commit suicide.  The teacher intervened and tried to take his gun away, getting shot in the process.  There were heroes in the class; two students tackled the shooter and held him until the police came.

I was scared to go to school after that day.  I had nightmares for a long time.  The room where the shooting took place was closed for the remainder of the school year.

Every time there is a school shooting, it brings up the memories of that day.  I usually have nightmares for several days.  I've come to the realization that I'll just have to live with this.

For this reason, above all else, I don't like guns.  I will never own a gun.  I don't think all guns should be banned, however.  I think it's okay for people to have rifles for hunting.  If someone wants to carry a handgun, I'm not comfortable with it, but that's their choice. I think there should be testing and background checks to own any type of gun.  Someone with a history of mental illness needs to be seriously reconsidered when applying to purchase a gun.  There should be drug testing, too.  And that's what I think it should be, an application to purchase a gun.  Credit check, background check, drug test, mental health evaluation.

I do think there should be a ban on assault rifles.  There is no reason for average, everyday citizens to have these guns.  And the huge rounds of ammo should be banned, as well.  Armor piercing bullets should be banned.  Americans should not be able to purchase these things.

I've been reading some of the arguments online, in the wake of the Newtown, CT shootings.  Some are saying that, if we ban assault rifles, the criminals will have them anyway.  That may be true, however, we've made drugs illegal and the criminals still have them.  Should we make them legal?  What about murder?  That's illegal but people still do it, should we legalize that, too?  Stealing?  Rape?  It just doesn't make sense, to me, to have this argument.  The only reason for these types of guns to exist is to take out large numbers of people in combat.  Are you going to shoot a deer 22 times with an assault rifle?  Why does a divorced mother with children need a gun like this?  Why does a college student need a gun like this?

The argument that I see most often is that it is our second Amendment right to bear arms.  That's true, it is.  We are not living in the same time when that Amendment was written.  I do agree with the Constitution, people have the right to bear arms.  I'm not saying that we ban all guns.  Just make it so that ordinary citizens cannot own combat or assault rifles.  That's all they're made for.

I feel I've made my point.  I know some of you may not agree with me.  I know where I grew up.  There was a lot of hunting and sport shooting.  I know where I live now.  The same is true here.  I live in the Bible belt, now.  Hell, I saw a news report about one of the cities close to where I live where you can get your picture taken with Santa and your guns.  I saw this report on Saturday, just one day after the shooting in Newtown.

In closing, I'd just like to say, to the people of Newtown, I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now.  We're all thinking about you and we're all with you.  To the first responders and the teachers who gave their lives trying to protect your students, thank you.  We'll never know how many lives were saved by your actions that day.  I know it seems like so little, but it's all I have, but thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Why do I lie to myself?

I'm going to lay a few things out there.  I gained back every single pound I lost while I was working out, and a few more on top of that.  I have a hard time going to the gym because I have no one to watch my son.  Plus, I'm lazy.  Lazy and fat.  That's me.

I know everyone says that if I just get up and move, I'll start losing weight.  I know that.  I'm not stupid.  I'll be 35 years old in just a couple of weeks.  I also weigh about 380 pounds.  I also haven't been to the doctor in almost five years.  My company doesn't offer insurance and since I am "morbidly obese" I was refused when I tried to buy my own insurance.  I was even refused life insurance.  All these things aren't really great for my already fragile self esteem.  I get very depressed.  There are days, even weeks, when all I want to do is lay in bed.  I don't even want to watch tv or read.  Sometimes, the only thing that gets me out of bed is my little boy.  Oh, who am I kidding?  That's everyday.

Speaking of getting older, I feel like a failure and a fraud.  What have I done with my life??  Sure, I'm a mother, but is that all??  Will that be my only identity for the rest of my life??  I wanted so much more than doing what I'm doing.  If you had asked me, when I was in school, where I would be when I was 35, I'm sure the little, idealistic Jessie would've given you some grandiose vision of fame and fortune.  Well, I have neither.

I wish I could say that I plan to start working out again, every day.  But I don't.  It's next to impossible for me to get to the gym to do that, and my gym is not 24 hours.  I wish I could say that I could say I was going to start working out at home.  But I won't.  I'm constantly exhausted and I have a million other excuses as to why I can't and won't.  I know what I need to do, I really do.  I was doing it.  I started looking and feeling good for a long while.

Let's take a moment to explore an illness that I do have, hypothyroidism.  This is what wikipedia has to say about the disease:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypothyroidism  One of the symptoms is weight gain.  Guess what?  I have that!  I also have uncontrolled hypothyroidism, being that I haven't been to the doctor in five  years.  Sometimes I'm convinced that I can FEEL my thyroid in my throat.  It's scary and I would LOVE to go to the doctor to get medication to feel better.  But, it's just not gonna happen.

Well, in closing, I'd like to share a little story.  I went on a date a couple of weeks ago.  It was nice, we met on a dating site (for shame).  We had a lovely lunch and had a two hour conversation.  He was a gentleman and walked me to my car after lunch and asked if we could see each other again.  I said yes and looked forward to having another date (as I haven't been on one in a LONG time!).  Well, that evening, I got another email that said the same, he'd had a nice time, would like to go out again.

The next day, however, was a different story.  I opened my email and read, "I knew you were big, but I didn't think you were THAT big.  You are disgusting and you wasted my time."

Now, I've said this a couple of times in this post, but I'm almost 35 years old.  This guy is 37 years old.  We're not in middle school, not on the playground or the bus.  He wasn't standing with a group of boys, pointing and laughing at me.  What in the world would possess a grown man to send that to another adult??  Who is he to fucking judge me??  First of all, hello pot, meet kettle!  He wasn't a small guy, either.  I could've easily turned it around and said that to him.  I didn't, however.  I just deleted the email and blocked him from my profile (on the dating site) and added his email to the blocked list in my email.

I had this image of going to his house and dragging him outside to kick his ass in his own yard, embarrassing him in front of his neighbors.  Obviously I didn't do that.  I had a couple of other people volunteer to do the same thing but I didn't allow them.  It baffles me that, in this day and age, people are still as shallow and unaccepting as this guy was.

Anyway, I don't know if I'll be posting again before Christmas, so.........Happy Thanksgiving!  Merry Christmas!  Happy New Year!

Here we go!!!

Time to get positive.  It's so exhausting being so negative all the time.  I'm doing it this time.  So, starting today, not tomorrow or next week, or whatever, starting today I'm going to eat healthier.  Starting today, I'm going to work out more.  Starting today I'm going to make goals and keep them.  Starting today I'm going to be a better person.

That's not saying I'm not awesome, because I am.  I want to feel awesome.  I want to look awesome.  I want to be awesome.

So, after many, many, many false starts, I AM GOING TO DO THIS.  I'm on my way to losing a whole person!!!

Sad times

I've been having a rough few weeks.  I have no ambition to do anything.  It's hard to pull myself out of bed.  On top of that, I live in North Carolina and it's been, at least, 105 degrees for days on end.  That makes it even harder for me to want to do something.  I kept telling my little boy that it was too hot to go swimming.  Can you imagine what a fat ass I must be to tell my beautiful, little boy that it's too hot to go swimming??  I mean, don't you go swimming to cool off.  I can't understand.


There are a lot of things on my mind lately.  Petty things like:  I'm tired of being single.  Should I color my hair:  Do my glasses make my eyes look too small?  And then there are things that I really should be concerned about, like:  How am I ever going to pay for my student loans?  Why can't I have a job where I have benefits?  Why can't my POS sperm donor just do one MFing thing I ask of him?  When should I write my will?  What if I die too young, will my son remember me?  It's all making me pretty depressed.  The depression is (partially) what is keeping me in bed or on the couch or in the recliner.


I looked back over some of the paperwork I had when I was working out and losing weight.  I was really doing well for 6 months.  It wasn't all great, all the time.  But I was working out and I was losing weight.  I stopped though.  Just stopped.  No reason.  I wanted to start eating junk again, so I did.  I was "too busy" to go to the gym, so I stopped.  There's a sign that hangs in my gym that says "You're too busy to work out, so are you too busy to die."  I just don't understand why I can't get motivated to do something.  My head knows all the things I'm supposed to do.  But I can't do it.  I keep saying "tomorrow will be the day" and when that doesn't work "the first of the month" and then "starting Friday."  I can't do it.  I feel like a worthless, fat, disgusting, pile of shit.  I can't even walk up 4 stairs without pain.  Imagine what that is like?  I'm 34 years old and I can't make it up 4 stairs.  I haven't been on a date in 4 years.  I can't tie my own shoes.  I can't fit into booths at restaurants.  I can't fit into some cars.  I can't ride some rides at amusement parks.  There are a lot of "I can't's."


I don't know how to get to the "I can's."

Utter Failure

Disclaimer:  I'm going to be doing a lot of swearing in this post.  If you're not comfortable with it, please do not read any further.  Thank you.

I'm a fucking mess.  I'm kind of in the middle of a pretty serious depression.  I've basically stopped going the gym.  I haven't been in almost 2 weeks.  I'm pretty sure I've gained back every pound I lost.  That'd also be because, once again, I can't stop eating.  I eat, sometimes, when I'm not even hungry.  It's fucking disgusting.  I'm sure people look at me and think I'm one of the fattest, nastiest pieces of shit they've ever seen.  In fact, I'm pretty sure this is true.  Quick, wanna know what I had for breakfast this morning?  Listen to this shit: Greek yogurt with granola (my attempt at being healthy), 4 coconut macaroons, a chicken biscuit from Bojangles, a *diet* sunkist orange soda, and 2 shortbread cookies.  Who eats that shit?  For breakfast??  Are you fucking kidding me??  Geez, I wonder why I'm so fucking fat?

So, let's go back to my depression.  I'm in love with my little boy.  He is the greatest thing in my world.  I love to listen to him talk and sing and watching him dance and walk and play.  But sometimes I feel like he's the ONLY thing in my world.  I don't have any kind of social life.  I don't go on dates.  I don't go out with friends.  I don't do a lot of things.  He calls me beautiful and, believe me, I don't hear that often.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my son.  I love spending time with him more than anything.  In fact, I have serious guilt whenever I spend time away from him.  Like right now, I'm at work instead of being at home with him.  Like last night when he went to a baseball game and I wasn't feeling well enough to go.  Like in July when he's going to NY and I'm working.  Like when he's going camping in June and I hate it, oh, and I have to work.

I love the sentiment that "I can do it!"  Stay positive!  I feel like it's bull shit!  I feel like I'm lying to myself.  I know I need to push myself and blah blah.  But I don't feel like I can.  I feel like I AM going to fail and I AM going to die young.  I don't want that to happen but for fuck's sake, I don't know what else to do.

I'd like to say I have a plan, but I don't.  I'm just going to start trying again, harder, and keep trying.  I'm weaning myself of my caffeine addiction.  I should be completely "clean" by the end of this week.  I hope so, anyway.  When I was pregnant, I didn't drink any soda and it didn't bother me.  And, I lost 20 pounds.

I just don't know how to get my shit together.  It's like I take 1 step forward and I fall 2 fucking MILES back!  I feel lost and confused and alone.

How can I possibly suck any more?

I started this post 4/16, it took me this long to finish.

I've been slacking. No excuses. I went on vacation and it's been downhill from there.

My sister and I took our sons to Disney World for a week long vacation. We went with all good intentions. We were going to spend the day in the parks and go back to the hotel at night to swim in the pool and work out in the gym at the hotel. We were going to eat healthy and make good choices. Well, the food choices we made were out of necessity, rather than the healthfulness. There wasn't much of a selection. I ate mother-effing fried chicken tenders and French fries every day. If I never see a chicken tender, it will be too soon. We walked miles and miles, we left the hotel by around 8:30-9am every day and wouldn't return until midnight on some days. We were exhausted. There was no swimming in the pool (plus, it was cold as hell) and no working out in the gym. Seriously? When we got back to our room, we could barely walk on our feet, let alone think about going to ride a stationery bike or walk on a treadmill. We had to hobble from the bed to the bathroom where we'd stand in the shower for an hour, just to feel human again.

The worst part about it was that I gained 7 lbs on vacation! That's SEVEN POUNDS!!!! How could that have happened?? Walked all day long, every single day. We didn't even eat that much, we ate when we realized we hadn't eaten (our poor kids). So, when we got back, I had to get back on track. Except I didn't. I've had a lot of excuses on why I didn't go to the gym. First was that I had a ton of laundry to do, second was because my parents got my son a swing set for Easter, third was because I had to cook dinner, and so on, and so on. I've only been once a week since we got back. I can tell the difference in how I feel. I don't like it. So, I've vowed to get back on track......

But I'm on vacation again this week. I'm going home to Walton, NY. You know what we always plan on doing when we're in NY??? Eating!!! Yep, I'm already planning what I'm eating when I get to NY. Christ, I'm always gonna be fat at this rate.

So, I'm back from NY and guess what?  All my fat ass did in NY was eat.  Want a sub??  How about 3??  Eating chicken wings at 11pm, yep, I did that.  Continuous soda, all day, every day.  Oh yea!  Mother effer!!!

I just weighed myself and I'm back up to 359.8.  Before I went to Disney, I was at 354 and going down.  I feel disgusting.  I feel fat.  I feel sluggish.  I feel nasty.  I haven't been going to the gym like I'm supposed to, I haven't been walking at work, I haven't been drinking water like I should.  It makes me sad.

The flip side to all of this is that I want to go on a date.  I haven't been on a date with a man in 5 years.  I'm pretty lonely.  I've put it into my head that no man would want to date such a hot mess, like myself. I keep putting myself down and not making myself feel good at all.

Starting tomorrow, I'm getting back on track.  Back to the gym 2-3 times a week.  Back to eating smaller, healthier meals.  Back to being serious about saving my life.  I can't make myself feel bad, like I have been, damnit.  I want to feel good and look good. 

Falling Behind

I have a lot on my mind this week. Work has been extra stressful for me this week. Lots of new responsibility, lots of new stress. I'm trying to eat right and work out and be healthy. And, we're going to Disney World in just 9 days! So, let me tell you why I feel like a failure this week:

First, I continually eat junk. Just this morning, I had 2 chicken biscuits from Bojangles and a large Mt. Dew. Oh, and that's what I had for breakfast on Monday, too. I weighed in on Tuesday and I'm up 1.4 pounds from last week. That makes me sad. Everytime I eat the junk, I get sad and I hate myself. I can't be perfect all the time, but it would be really nice if I could make better choices and use better judgement.

Second, I gained back weight that I lost. I know I shouldn't be looking at the number, but I've weighed so much, for so long. I've started weight training at the gym, while also doing cardio, I just want to see the numbers go down. A positive is that I took my measurements and I lost an inch from my waist. That would be pretty impressive, if I wasn't so down on myself.

Third, I only accomplished one of my goals this week. Just one goal, out of five. I took my finals for my classes at school. I got a 92 on my Human Anatomy final and an 83 on my HIPPA final. I did nothing else.

Oh, and I started this blog post a week ago and put it off. I guess you could say I've had a down week. This week, however, I'm going to be positive, damnit! I'm going to Disney World on Saturday, for Pete's Sake!!! I weighed myself today because I had a pig-out weekend and I actually look like I lost 2 more pounds. I'm so excited to go to Disney, I just can't wait. I'm losing sleep at night because there's so much going through my mind, getting ready to go and worrying about what I need to get done with my "normal" life before we go. Phew!! Lots to do this week, just came out of a busy weekend, and again in April, a busy month where we go to NY!!!

I'm writing up some goals for the week and I'll post with my next blog post, which, in a perfect world, will be tomorrow, after my official Biggest Loser weigh-in.

Suck it up, Sally

I'm struggling. I've eaten a lot of junk this past week that I didn't need to eat. I ate 2 boxes of Thin Mints Girl Scout cookies. That's right, 2 boxes. Oh, and I had 2 chicken biscuits from Bojangles today. Oh, and pizza. Oh, and Chinese. Oh, and I didn't work out Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I lost another pound, but imagine what i would've done if I didn't eat so much junk and I worked out?? I'm trying not to feel down about it, but that's kind of hard.

I went to the gym tonight and met with a trainer, for the first time ever. She showed me a routine to do on the machines and hurt me. She kept pushing me and I needed that. Holy hell it's going to be hard!!! I'm pretty sore tonight. It's a good sore, I suppose.

I want to take a moment and really point something out that bothers me. Maybe you don't notice you do it, maybe you don't do it. But, whenever I go somewhere in public, 9 times out of 10, people pretend not to see me. For example, I went to Best Buy and spent over $200. Well, when I was looking for my item, the person who helped, walked past me and asked my sister if she needed help. She then told him I was looking for the iPods and he pointed us to another person. Well, I made my purchase and went to leave the store. At the door, there was a security person that was stopping people and checking receipts. I waited while he checked this woman's purchases and then I asked him if he needed to check my receipt. He looked away. I asked again, he sighed heavily and then just looked at me and said "no." That kind of thing happens to me all the time. I really try to be friendly and smile at people, but those who know me know that I'm shy. I really try to make a point of smiling at people. Tonight, I was at a restaurant waiting for the dinner I ordered and a teacher from my son's school was there. She looked at me 7 times before she finally "saw" me and I said "hello." Does this happen to other people?? Other people who aren't heavy????

So, I did terrible on my goals last week:

1. Get up earlier - still doesn't happen

2. Be more positive - still a work in progress

3. C25K training 5 days - I got 2 in last week, it's really hard

4. Read the book my friend gave me - I just didn't get to it

So, I'm repeating all those goals again this week, plus I'm adding:

5. Get homework and finals done - They're due March 9

Not a great week last week. I'm vowing to make this week better. Next week will be even better. The week after we leave for Disney World, I don't think I'll be working out while I'm there. I'll try.

Can you believe it??

I'm happy! I know, I know. It must be a lie. But, alas, I'm actually really happy at the moment. For one, I lost 3 pounds last week. That brings my total lost now to 15 pounds, I'm down to 355!!!! Go me!!! I've decided to train for a 5K, my co-worker brought it up and I'm on board! I'm giving myself a year to do it, but I know I can!!! I've done 2 days of interval training and they're kicking my ass, but I'm doing them........

Oh yea, I'm going to Disney World!!!! I'm taking my son, with my sister and my nephew, and we're all going to Disney!!!! I just paid for the trip today! I don't know who is more excited, me or the kids. I just can't wait to see their little faces when we drive into Disney for the first time. I feel like I'll cry.

So, my goals for last week were the following:

1. Get up earlier....ughh, fail. It goes back on next week's goals.

2. "I love.." and "I'm grateful" lists. I set myself a reminder timer on my phone to do them every night and I'm succeeding! Yay me!!

3. Gym 3 times a week...score.

4. Be more positive. That is something I struggle with. I'm really trying. Hell, this post is pretty effing positive, if you ask me. I'm celebrating how well I did this past week, even though I had a couple of off days.

My new goals for this week are:

1. Get up earlier.....my God, will it ever end?

2. Be more positive. I'm putting this on the list until people are sick of my damn chipper moods!!

3. Couch to 5K training 3 days. Guess who's already it twice this week????

4. Read a book that a co-worker gave me. He said it'll help me with being more positive

So, thanks to all of you who are reading and cheering me on. I know I can do this. I'm already kicking a little arse!!!

4.

Had a bad day.

Today I had a bad day. I really needed a gym partner today, for some reason I couldn't do it alone. I had ample opportunity to head to the gym, but I really needed someone with me. I couldn't get anyone to go. So, I had 4 cookies for breakfast. Then I had a half sandwich and a giant salad for lunch. Then I had a piece of birthday cake. Then I took a 3 hour nap. And for dinner, I had 2 chicken biscuits from Bojangles and a large Mountain Dew. I had pretty much quit drinking soda, but today I had 2 (including lunch). I feel awful. I really just want to lay in my bed and cry. Actually, I've wanted to do that for several hours now and I still want to do it. I'm going to force myself to work out at home tonight and the gym is not open on Sunday.

I guess my depression got the better of me today. I can pretend I'm happy but I'm really not. If not for my beautiful son, I'd spend days in my bed. I feel like I failed today. My feelings hurt because I couldn't get a gym partner today, too. I need to not make excuses and do what I need to do, but I just needed support today.

Today it begins...

Well not really. That's false advertisement. I went to the gym tonight. My second trip to the gym. It was fun, my Mom and I took an aerobics class....ouch! I stuck it out, though. I walked with my friends at work today, 3/4 mile. Not bad for a fat girl.

I have a lot on my mind this week. I'm kind of behind in my school work, which I don't like. I'm paying out of pocket for these classes, I want to pass them. I'm making slow strides to catch up. I'm just hoping I catch up in time for the final, that's fast approaching. Another thing fast approaching is my vacation. I'm taking my son to Disney World, along with my sister and my nephew. I don't know who is more excited, though, me and my sister or the kids?? I was really worried about going for a few reasons: 1. There is a lot of walking. I didn't think I'd be able to make it one day, let alone the 5 we're planning. 2. I didn't think I'd fit in the rides. I'm still worried about that, to be honest. But I've still got about a month, so, whatever happens, happens. 3. We're driving, it's a 12 hour drive, at least. I was worried about how my body would handle the trip. I'm rocking on working on my fitness, I can handle 12 hours of ass-numbing driving. Suck it up, Sally!

For those who usually read this, you'll notice I'm a little more upbeat today. I'm really, really trying to be more positive. In fact, that's one of my goals this week. Here are my goals for this week: 1. Get up earlier.....Holy mother effing g-d son of a motherless goat c-wording sharting I cannot do that!!!!! No matter what I do, me and that snooze button are having some kind of love affair! I try to set my clock ahead to trick myself but then I end up doing math at 5 in the morning. 2. I'm still working on writing my "I'm grateful for..." and "I love..." lists. I set an alarm on my phone to remind myself to do it every night. I'm getting there, slowly. 3. Go to the gym 3 times a week. Well, I've gone twice this week, just 1 more.... 4. Be more positive. I mentioned this. I'm a pretty negative, crab ass person. I'm going to try and change that.....

I also set a long term goal. I was talking to one of my friends today who says he's inspired by me (I'm putting words in his mouth) and he's decided he wants to be in a 5K. Well, I've set a long term goal that in 1 year I will be in a 5K, either running or walking. I'm going to do it, damnit!! I didn't think I'd ever be able to stop drinking soda, but I'm pretty much over that, so, I can do a 5K.

Hell, I forgot to mention that I won the Biggest Loser challenge at my office!!! I'm still at 358.0, but that's still down 12 pounds!!! I bragged on that all day. I feel pretty damn good about myself....except the body aches from aerobics tonight.

So, if there's anyone out there who has any insight into how to train for a 5K, please tell me I'm heading in the right direction. My end goal is to lose 200 pounds. I can do it!!!

Where do we go from here?

I'm kind of a nerd. While listening to the soundtrack to the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer tonight, the song "Where Do We Go From Here?" came on and was pretty meaningful to me. I'm at a point in my recovery where I'm not sure where to go. I think I'm going in the right direction. I joined a gym today, with my mother and my sister. I don't know how often they'll go. They both seem excited, however, I can't get either of them to work out with me at home. Well, I haven't so far. I've been working out at home for 4 and a half weeks now. That's 4 weeks and 2 days longer than I've ever worked out before. I've been keeping track of my progress on a couple of charts I created.

Where I have failed is in my list of goals. This was something important that I really wanted to accomplish but I haven't done it. I wrote 2 weeks of goals and failed miserably at both. One of my goals, something that I really want to do, is to write my list of things I love and things I'm grateful for. Want to know something I love? I love how fast I can type. Seriously. Thank you, Mr. Shackleton (RIP). I also went out to eat today. Well, I went out twice this week. The first time was to Golden Corral. I did pretty well there, however, I wasn't feeling well. I ate salad, fruit, broccoli, chicken terryaki, bourbon chicken, and more fruit. Not bad, right? Not until I went to lunch today and had an entree and an appetizer. I brought half of my appetizer home, but I still pigged out. I'm still feeling full right now, actually. I had soup, Southwestern egg rolls, French fries, and half of a California club sandwich (at Chili's). I even felt gross ordering it.

I feel broken tonight.

I'm sexy and I know it...

...Well, not really.

Welcome back! It's Tuesday, know what that means?? Weigh in day!!! I'm down another 2 pounds, for a total of 12 pounds. I currently weigh 358.2lbs. Exciting, right?? I'm thismuch closer to being a little bit less morbidly obese. Congratulations to me. Next week is the last week of the Biggest Loser at work. I'm pretty sure I know who the winner is...

I'm in a depression. It's that time of year for me. When I was in school, this is when my grades would drop. Right now I just want to sleep all day. It would be nice to even go to a hotel and sleep for like a week. I know this is a hard time of year for most people. The suicide rates are highest in March. I'm not suicidal by any means, it's just this is a hard time of year for people. I've been spending an exorbitant amount of time feeling sorry for myself.

I'm sad because I'm lonely. I'm sad because I'm fat. I'm sad because I'm single. I'm sad because I'm always thinking I'm a bad mother. I'm sad because I'm broke. I'm sad because I'm 34 and live with my parents. I'm sad because my job makes me sad. I'm sad because because because because... I'm always comparing myself to other people. Whenever I go somewhere, I always look around to see if I'm the fattest one in the room. Most of the time I am. The good news is that most people ignore the fattest person in the room....

I've been working really hard on being healthy. I've been avoiding chocolate (and other junk) as much as possible. I haven't gone for seconds (or thirds or fourths) on meals. I'm drinking a ton of water (I pee constantly). I'm working out. And all of this, I'm keeping track of in a journal.

I'm taking my son to Disney World next month and I'm really excited about it. However, I'm also scared to death. I'm so worried that I'll be too fat to ride the rides. When I went to Disney 5 years ago, I was fine, but I've gained a lot of weight since then. I mean a lot. When I was pregnant, I lost a ton of weight, but I certainly gained it back, and then some. There's a picture of me right after I got home from the hospital and I actually look "skinny." Can you believe that?? Me neither.

Another thing has been pissing me off. I've really been trying to get to an online Overeaters Anonymous meeting. However, I they won't let me. Am I really too fat for OA? I really need help and since I don't have medical insurance, I figured I'd take help where I can get it. I know that eventually I'll have to go to the doctor, but I just can't afford it right now. Have I mentioned that I'm broke?? I don't get child support, I pay for everything myself!

I haven't written my goals for this week yet. I wasn't successful with last week's goals. Namely, the goal to write the list of 10 things I love about myself. The hard part is that I can never repeat them. And 1o things I'm grateful for, that's a little easier but still challenging. I did that twice last week. I keep "forgetting" to make those lists. There, I just wrote the one for tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, it's Nana's 81st birthday! The entire family is taking Nana to the Golden Corral for dinner. The GC (as I like to call it) is a mother effing buffet. How am I going to be healthy at a mother effing buffet?? Restaurant food is already bad for you and I will have an all-you-can-eat endless mountain of food.....I'm so scared!!!

Push it

I've learned a few things about myself this week. I had a pretty down couple of days. Even though I should have been feeling pretty good, I was kind of depressed. In all honesty, I still am. But, I learned I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Let me lay it all out there: I'm a 34 year old, single mother, who still lives with her parents. I don't get any child support from my son's father and I don't get public assistance, food stamps, or welfare. The only assistance I do get is Medicaid so I can take my son to the doctor. I work my ass off so we can have a decent life. I can't give him everything he wants, but I do what I can. I want to be around for that little boy for as long as possible. He went to a Boy Scout event today, as a family member, and raced in the Pine Wood Derby. Well, that little stinker won one of his races! I was so proud that I almost cried. I want to have a million more moments like that!!!!

I've lost track of my point...did I even have one?? Anyway, I've been pushing myself this week, eating better, less snacking, more moving, blahblahblah. I'm hoping it's paying off. I wish I had taken my measurements when I started this whole thing. I've been keeping a diary of everything I eat, all the exercises I do, and my goals for the week. I've been really doing pretty good at keeping track of these things. I was going to input them on my computer but I got frustrated with the form (I made the original at work) and gave up for tonight.

I really didn't have a point in this post. Just to let my readers know that I'm still here. I'm not as down as I was on Tuesday, but I'm hanging in there. I've had a pretty uneventful week. I do want to say thank you to everyone who reads this. I have some really great friends and family. I don't know how much more of this I could do without you. I'm still busting ass, still pushing myself, still eating less and making better choices. I wish I saw differences in how I look, though. The only thing that lets me know is the numbers on the scale, that and a couple pairs of pants a bit bigger than they used to be.......hopefully I'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe.

Tough one

Did you hear? I lost 10 lbs!!! That's TEN POUNDS!!! I can't remember the last time I lost 10 pounds. Oh wait, it was just after I had Adam, so, January 2008. I feel pretty freakin' great! Here, I have proof.

Anyway, who gets excited about weighing 360.2 lbs? Me, that's who! Those are my sexy feet, in my sexy trouser socks, by the way.

I don't, however, feel sexy. You see, dear reader, it's been 4 long, lonely years since I've been on a date. It's not that I think I need a man, obviously I don't. I've been without one for 4 years. And, obviously Aaron Rodgers doesn't believe that he's my boyfriend....So, I put a profile up on a dating site, thinking, "what can it hurt? I'll get a couple emails and maybe make a couple friends. Maybe I can have a date for Valentine's day, even." Well, I haven't gotten a single email. Not one. Sure, people look at my profile, I send emails, all of that. But does anyone respond? Nope. Please spare me the "oh, you've got such a pretty face" or the "men are pigs" bull shit. I've heard it before. I know. Pretty face, blah. Does that mean nothing else about me is pretty? "Oh, you're such a funny girl" Well, obviously that doesn't get me out of the house. I don't want it to sting this much, but it does. There's married people that I know that are getting more side action than I'm getting. Not that I'm looking for action. An adult conversation would suit me. Maybe a little hand holding? A quick hug?? Too much to ask???

Wow, so writing all that just got me pretty emotional. I guess I'm saying that I'm lonely. I'm a fucking awesome catch. I guess no one wants a 6' tall, 360 lb, 34 year old, single mother who still lives with her parents. Wait! I own my own car!

You may not know this, but the last time I was in love (with my son's father, we'll call him SD) was not good. SD was pretty awful to me. There are things that happened with him and in our relationship that I don't know if I'll ever be over them. He took away 5 years of my life. He gave me my son, the only good thing to ever come from him. I don't know how to act, how to date, how to flirt, how to anything. He ruined me for all future suitors. Sometimes I feel like I really fucked up my life with him, I mean, I did. At least I made it out alive.

So, back to the task at hand. I'm working on my goals for the week. Here they are, check them out:

1. Add 2 more reps to each work out.

2. Work on the daily "I love" and "I'm grateful for" lists (again, so hard to find 10 different things, every day that I love about myself)

3. Get out of bed earlier

I write my list of things I love about myself at night, before I go to bed and email them to myself, to read at work in the morning. Well, tonight, to be honest, I'm not feeling it. I can't think of any damn thing I love. That makes me sad.

I started out so positive tonight and I'm ending on a sad note. I don't want to be sad but I'm just not feeling happy any more tonight. I'll try again tomorrow.

I need to be regular

Well, last week I decided that I wanted to make myself goals for the week. So, I wrote a list of goals on Monday (and I forgot to mention them when I wrote my last blog) and I'm just taking a look tonight. I think I did pretty well. Let's take a look, shall we?

1. Get to 7 Burpees (Done)

2. Lemon water and veggie juice daily (the lemon water I sometimes forget, but I get it almost daily)

3. Adam to bed earlier (well, I PUT him in bed earlier. He just chooses to stay up until after 11pm)

4. Email myself an list of "10 things I like about myself" and "10 things I'm grateful for"

The last one is where I sucked up. I wrote the lists just once. I have a really hard time finding things I like about myself that don't have to do, directly, with my son. Really think about it, do you think you can make a list of 10 things you love about yourself, every day?? Without repeating???? I couldn't even go 2 days.

I've also come to realize that there is a person in my life who is really negative. I didn't ever really notice it until recently. For example, when I announce, excitedly, how much weight I've lost, this person says "well, if you cut back on your portions, you'll lose more." Not, "good job" or "congratulations." It's really hurtful. I really am working my ass off (literally) and that's all I get? It's very frustrating because this person is very important and I don't know what, if anything, I can say to change it. I'm just rolling with it for right now.

Overall, I think this week was a good week. I made some good decisions. Like the night my family had brownie sundaes for dinner. I had a roast chicken sandwich. I'm not perfect, by any stretch. I just think I'm making better decisions. I really love Bojangles chicken biscuits for breakfast. I used to go through the drive thru on my way to work and get 2 chicken biscuits and a large Mt. Dew every morning on my way to work. Talk about trying to kill myself! Anyway, I haven't stopped there in a LONG time. But, this week, twice, I was DYING to stop. I didn't. I applaud myself for not stopping. I don't have a scale at home, it's at work for the "Biggest Loser" competition. I think that's good, too because otherwise I'd be weighing myself every day, trying to see if I pooped enough.

I've got a couple goals for this week, I'll post them after I write them out. Probably Monday or Tuesday. Any suggestions for goals??

Do I eat too much for Overeaters Anonymous??

Well, I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to get connected with an online Overeater Anonymous group. A friend suggested that I try a meeting, after reading my first blog post and I decided on the online format because I just don't have time to drive to Raleigh at 7:30pm on a Monday or Tuesday night. Sounds like an excuse, doesn't it?? Run 3 laps! I'm so lost. I'm struggling and I kind of don't know how to do this. I think I'm off to a good start. I weighed in at the Biggest Loser competition today and I weighed 362.4, yay me! Do you know anyone who gets excited about weighing 362 lbs?? Neither do I.

I know weight is just part of it. I've been told I look different. Thanks! Still, tonight, I want to get into my bed and cry for a few hours. I've kind of felt this way all day. I know I need to get my work out in. I just don't feel like it. I'm tired, my body is sore, and I want to go to bed. Is that 3 more excuses? Run 9 laps! Shit! I did walk 3/4 of a mile today at lunch, so I get points for that, right?? Please say yes!

I've been trying all kinds of different things to take my mind of eating and trying to help me get into a healthier mind set. I'm drinking lots of water. I've all but given up soda. I really try to only have 1-2 a week. I've been adding lemon to my water when I'm at home. I'm even drinking vegetable juice because I read that it'll curb your craving for sweets. Let's hope it helps! I drink a lot of milk, always have. It's 1% milk, though. I suppose that's good.

You know, this being healthy thing isn't so bad. I was able to go play football with my son tonight. Something that just a few weeks ago would've left me struggling to breathe and useless for the rest of the evening. Now, we didn't play for a long time but it was getting cold!! Another excuse??? I'll let this one slide.

My piss poor attitude really didn't help my son tonight. I wish I knew what my problem was. It can't be as simple as I'm just a bitch, can it?? My poor son was really sleepy and grumpy, not to mention whiny and scream-y. I just kept yelling at him. I lost my temper but I went to my room and threw everything on the floor. What the f am I? A teenage girl?? Christ! I went back to talk to him a short time later and he "still forgives me." I love that little boy. Looking into his pretty blue eyes gives me the strength I need to do one more damn burpee or try another few crunches.

I look pretty? No, you look fat.

There I am, all 370 pounds of me. How did I get to this point in my life? The only way I can explain it is that I'm obsessed with food. While I'm eating food, I think about food I'm going to eat next. If I'm not eating food, I'm thinking about where I'm going to find food to be eating. It's a full time job. I used to keep food hidden in my room, my desk at work, my car, and I would buy things and hide them in the refrigerator so no one else would eat them. Depending on my mood, I would eat an entire bag of candy or a small cake or a dozen cookies or a pound of ham or an entire stick of salami. I would eat it and then feel so guilty that I actually ate it. I would wash that down with at least 2 sodas. Then I would sit around, wondering what I was going to eat next.

It's kind of hard always being the fattest person in the room. You know how they say that people who are "overweight" get ignored when they're out in public?? It's definitely true. People don't even look at me. Who can blame them? I don't want to look at me, either. The only reason I do is because I can't see anyone else in the mirror. Plus, I need to make myself somewhat presentable when I'm out in public. I gotta cover this up, make this look less....

I've been down this road before; I get all motivated to lose weight, start making all kinds of plans and charts and graphs and then nothing happens. Well, let me make sure I get that right. Usually I spend a ton of money and then GAIN weight. That's more accurate. How is this time different, you ask?? I don't know. It just feels different. Let me explain.

A couple months ago my then 3 year old son noticed my giant, fat arms. He started laughing at me, calling them "Bat Wings" and saying that I could fly with them. He was 3, he didn't understand how much this hurt my feelings. He would laugh and try to lift my arm so he could wiggle my arm fat. Oh, it was hilarious. Then, I noticed my 8 year old nephew putting on weight. He would say things like "I want to be as fat as Jessie." Or "I want to be the fattest person." That would kill me a little each time. It's totally my fault. I can't let my nephew watch me continue to get fatter. I couldn't let my son watch me to struggle to walk upstairs, or to tie my shoe (which I don't, I just leave them tied and slip them on).

So, at work, I started a "Biggest Loser" competition. I'm doing ok with it. I'm in the lead, but I mean, after like 10 weeks, I've only lost like 4ish pounds. I can lose that after pooping (nasty, right?). My co-worker and I have been walking the street around our office. We recently discovered that it's 3/4 mile with 1 lap. On good days, we can do 2 laps! I'm eating better, not the best I can, but a bit better than I have in the past. I started keeping a food diary and an exercise diary.

At home, I work out before I go to bed. I know, I know that it's better to exercise in the morning but I just can't get up early. Hey, I used to not exercise at all. I have quite a little routine worked out. I have a 10 minute dance DVD I do (or I just put music on and dance) that I start with then I do 5 burpees (modified because I'm still fat), 20 leg lifts, 2o crunches, 20 arm lift things that someone showed me (they're hard as hell! Put your arms together in front of you, folded at the elbow and just lift them in the air a few times. Hard, right???), and 40 leg exercises. Sometimes I throw in these chair push-up things, too, for good measure. By the end, I'm sweating like a pig and panting. That's a good sign, right???? I'm getting addicted to the aches and pains. They feel good.

My next problem and my next step is to change my eating. I'm working at it, slowly. Food is a drug to me. I can eat and eat until I feel close to vomiting and then eat some more. I'm excited to see where this next step of my life takes me.

On top of working on weight loss, I've been taking online classes to get my certificate in medical office assistant. I need a job with benefits. There are none at my job. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I haven't been to the doctor in almost 4 years. Ya, that's not scary at all. I think I'll be done with the classes in March or April. We'll see.

I'll keep you posted! Thanks for the support.