How can I possibly suck any more?

I started this post 4/16, it took me this long to finish.

I've been slacking. No excuses. I went on vacation and it's been downhill from there.

My sister and I took our sons to Disney World for a week long vacation. We went with all good intentions. We were going to spend the day in the parks and go back to the hotel at night to swim in the pool and work out in the gym at the hotel. We were going to eat healthy and make good choices. Well, the food choices we made were out of necessity, rather than the healthfulness. There wasn't much of a selection. I ate mother-effing fried chicken tenders and French fries every day. If I never see a chicken tender, it will be too soon. We walked miles and miles, we left the hotel by around 8:30-9am every day and wouldn't return until midnight on some days. We were exhausted. There was no swimming in the pool (plus, it was cold as hell) and no working out in the gym. Seriously? When we got back to our room, we could barely walk on our feet, let alone think about going to ride a stationery bike or walk on a treadmill. We had to hobble from the bed to the bathroom where we'd stand in the shower for an hour, just to feel human again.

The worst part about it was that I gained 7 lbs on vacation! That's SEVEN POUNDS!!!! How could that have happened?? Walked all day long, every single day. We didn't even eat that much, we ate when we realized we hadn't eaten (our poor kids). So, when we got back, I had to get back on track. Except I didn't. I've had a lot of excuses on why I didn't go to the gym. First was that I had a ton of laundry to do, second was because my parents got my son a swing set for Easter, third was because I had to cook dinner, and so on, and so on. I've only been once a week since we got back. I can tell the difference in how I feel. I don't like it. So, I've vowed to get back on track......

But I'm on vacation again this week. I'm going home to Walton, NY. You know what we always plan on doing when we're in NY??? Eating!!! Yep, I'm already planning what I'm eating when I get to NY. Christ, I'm always gonna be fat at this rate.

So, I'm back from NY and guess what?  All my fat ass did in NY was eat.  Want a sub??  How about 3??  Eating chicken wings at 11pm, yep, I did that.  Continuous soda, all day, every day.  Oh yea!  Mother effer!!!

I just weighed myself and I'm back up to 359.8.  Before I went to Disney, I was at 354 and going down.  I feel disgusting.  I feel fat.  I feel sluggish.  I feel nasty.  I haven't been going to the gym like I'm supposed to, I haven't been walking at work, I haven't been drinking water like I should.  It makes me sad.

The flip side to all of this is that I want to go on a date.  I haven't been on a date with a man in 5 years.  I'm pretty lonely.  I've put it into my head that no man would want to date such a hot mess, like myself. I keep putting myself down and not making myself feel good at all.

Starting tomorrow, I'm getting back on track.  Back to the gym 2-3 times a week.  Back to eating smaller, healthier meals.  Back to being serious about saving my life.  I can't make myself feel bad, like I have been, damnit.  I want to feel good and look good.