I look pretty? No, you look fat.

There I am, all 370 pounds of me. How did I get to this point in my life? The only way I can explain it is that I'm obsessed with food. While I'm eating food, I think about food I'm going to eat next. If I'm not eating food, I'm thinking about where I'm going to find food to be eating. It's a full time job. I used to keep food hidden in my room, my desk at work, my car, and I would buy things and hide them in the refrigerator so no one else would eat them. Depending on my mood, I would eat an entire bag of candy or a small cake or a dozen cookies or a pound of ham or an entire stick of salami. I would eat it and then feel so guilty that I actually ate it. I would wash that down with at least 2 sodas. Then I would sit around, wondering what I was going to eat next.

It's kind of hard always being the fattest person in the room. You know how they say that people who are "overweight" get ignored when they're out in public?? It's definitely true. People don't even look at me. Who can blame them? I don't want to look at me, either. The only reason I do is because I can't see anyone else in the mirror. Plus, I need to make myself somewhat presentable when I'm out in public. I gotta cover this up, make this look less....

I've been down this road before; I get all motivated to lose weight, start making all kinds of plans and charts and graphs and then nothing happens. Well, let me make sure I get that right. Usually I spend a ton of money and then GAIN weight. That's more accurate. How is this time different, you ask?? I don't know. It just feels different. Let me explain.

A couple months ago my then 3 year old son noticed my giant, fat arms. He started laughing at me, calling them "Bat Wings" and saying that I could fly with them. He was 3, he didn't understand how much this hurt my feelings. He would laugh and try to lift my arm so he could wiggle my arm fat. Oh, it was hilarious. Then, I noticed my 8 year old nephew putting on weight. He would say things like "I want to be as fat as Jessie." Or "I want to be the fattest person." That would kill me a little each time. It's totally my fault. I can't let my nephew watch me continue to get fatter. I couldn't let my son watch me to struggle to walk upstairs, or to tie my shoe (which I don't, I just leave them tied and slip them on).

So, at work, I started a "Biggest Loser" competition. I'm doing ok with it. I'm in the lead, but I mean, after like 10 weeks, I've only lost like 4ish pounds. I can lose that after pooping (nasty, right?). My co-worker and I have been walking the street around our office. We recently discovered that it's 3/4 mile with 1 lap. On good days, we can do 2 laps! I'm eating better, not the best I can, but a bit better than I have in the past. I started keeping a food diary and an exercise diary.

At home, I work out before I go to bed. I know, I know that it's better to exercise in the morning but I just can't get up early. Hey, I used to not exercise at all. I have quite a little routine worked out. I have a 10 minute dance DVD I do (or I just put music on and dance) that I start with then I do 5 burpees (modified because I'm still fat), 20 leg lifts, 2o crunches, 20 arm lift things that someone showed me (they're hard as hell! Put your arms together in front of you, folded at the elbow and just lift them in the air a few times. Hard, right???), and 40 leg exercises. Sometimes I throw in these chair push-up things, too, for good measure. By the end, I'm sweating like a pig and panting. That's a good sign, right???? I'm getting addicted to the aches and pains. They feel good.

My next problem and my next step is to change my eating. I'm working at it, slowly. Food is a drug to me. I can eat and eat until I feel close to vomiting and then eat some more. I'm excited to see where this next step of my life takes me.

On top of working on weight loss, I've been taking online classes to get my certificate in medical office assistant. I need a job with benefits. There are none at my job. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I haven't been to the doctor in almost 4 years. Ya, that's not scary at all. I think I'll be done with the classes in March or April. We'll see.

I'll keep you posted! Thanks for the support.