Why you may not like me

My name is Jessica.  I'm 35 years old, I have a four year old son.  I'm a single parent.  I live with my parents, my sister and her son, and my paternal grandmother.  We have two dogs, two cats, a lizard, and a guinea pig.  I work at a call center.  I'm an atheist.  I'm also a liberal democrat.

I voted for Obama in November 2012.  I'll probably vote for the democrat in 2016.  I believe in equal rights, gay marriage, a woman's right to choose, equal pay for equal work, going green, universal health care, and gun control.

I've never felt comfortable around guns.  They've always scared me.  I don't even like to touch them.  December 14, 1992 permanently took away any interest I had for guns.

I was in Mr. Backus's Global Studies class, in the ninth grade, at Walton Central School.  In two days, I would turn 15 years old, just a year away from getting my driver's license.  That day I wore a Christmas sweatshirt and socks and a Santa hat to school.  We were taking a quiz on the Five Pillars of Islam that I was sure I was going to fail.  I remember it being really cold in the room, it was, after all, at the end of the hall with one whole wall of windows.  It was always cold in that room.  Mr. Backus handed out the quizzes and I remember staring at the paper.  There was a loud bang in the hallway that sounded like another classroom door had been slammed shut.  A moment later, I heard, what sounded like, a bunch of kids yelling and screaming.  I distinctly remember hearing one boy yell, "Where the hell is fucking Mr. Ward?"

Mr. Backus stepped out of the room and everyone looked around nervously.  Another teacher, I don't remember who, stepped inside and told us that we needed to leave.  Everyone got up and started walking down the hallway, toward the front entrance.  I was taking my time, chatting with one of my friends, when we made the turn to the next hallway and our Spanish teacher stepped out from the ISS room and said, "You need to move!  Run!"

That's when the fear set in.

What was happening at my school?

Walton is a small town, a couple of hours northwest of New York City.  The school system is pretty small, about 100 students in each grade level.  It's the kind of place where everyone knows everyone, or knows someone who does.

Finally, breathless, I found myself outside, standing in the grass, across the street from the main entrance to the school.  I could hear people around me talking about "some kid" that was shooting people in the school.  My mind immediately went to the image of "some kid" walking around the school, shooting whoever got in his way.  I was shaking.  I had NEVER heard of anything like this happening.

After standing in the cold for, what seemed like a long time, one of the teachers stepped outside and told us we could come inside but we needed to go directly to the auditorium.  The school's auditorium was set up like a theater.  There were theater seats and a stage.

From what I can remember, there were teachers standing in front of the stage and the students took seats.  One of the teachers, I can't remember who, told us that there had been a shooting and someone had been hurt.  Thankfully, no one was killed and they had the shooter in custody.  I don't remember much after that.  There's a vague memory of an older girl asking a lot of questions, but I can't remember what they were.

After a bit, they told us that we could call our parents and go home.  I remember this vividly.  I just wanted my Mom.  I knew that she had a 22 hour shift at work and I wouldn't see her until the next day.  I called my grandparents and asked them to come get me.  I stood by the front entrance and watched for my grandparents car.  I remember talking to someone and getting a hug from someone else.

After a time, I looked up and saw my Mom walking toward me!  I was so happy and relieved and scared and sad.  I ran out and hugged her.  After that, we went to pick up my sister and cousin from the middle school and went home.

I didn't know the shooter.  I had read that he came to school with a rifle, wanted to read a poem, and commit suicide.  The teacher intervened and tried to take his gun away, getting shot in the process.  There were heroes in the class; two students tackled the shooter and held him until the police came.

I was scared to go to school after that day.  I had nightmares for a long time.  The room where the shooting took place was closed for the remainder of the school year.

Every time there is a school shooting, it brings up the memories of that day.  I usually have nightmares for several days.  I've come to the realization that I'll just have to live with this.

For this reason, above all else, I don't like guns.  I will never own a gun.  I don't think all guns should be banned, however.  I think it's okay for people to have rifles for hunting.  If someone wants to carry a handgun, I'm not comfortable with it, but that's their choice. I think there should be testing and background checks to own any type of gun.  Someone with a history of mental illness needs to be seriously reconsidered when applying to purchase a gun.  There should be drug testing, too.  And that's what I think it should be, an application to purchase a gun.  Credit check, background check, drug test, mental health evaluation.

I do think there should be a ban on assault rifles.  There is no reason for average, everyday citizens to have these guns.  And the huge rounds of ammo should be banned, as well.  Armor piercing bullets should be banned.  Americans should not be able to purchase these things.

I've been reading some of the arguments online, in the wake of the Newtown, CT shootings.  Some are saying that, if we ban assault rifles, the criminals will have them anyway.  That may be true, however, we've made drugs illegal and the criminals still have them.  Should we make them legal?  What about murder?  That's illegal but people still do it, should we legalize that, too?  Stealing?  Rape?  It just doesn't make sense, to me, to have this argument.  The only reason for these types of guns to exist is to take out large numbers of people in combat.  Are you going to shoot a deer 22 times with an assault rifle?  Why does a divorced mother with children need a gun like this?  Why does a college student need a gun like this?

The argument that I see most often is that it is our second Amendment right to bear arms.  That's true, it is.  We are not living in the same time when that Amendment was written.  I do agree with the Constitution, people have the right to bear arms.  I'm not saying that we ban all guns.  Just make it so that ordinary citizens cannot own combat or assault rifles.  That's all they're made for.

I feel I've made my point.  I know some of you may not agree with me.  I know where I grew up.  There was a lot of hunting and sport shooting.  I know where I live now.  The same is true here.  I live in the Bible belt, now.  Hell, I saw a news report about one of the cities close to where I live where you can get your picture taken with Santa and your guns.  I saw this report on Saturday, just one day after the shooting in Newtown.

In closing, I'd just like to say, to the people of Newtown, I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now.  We're all thinking about you and we're all with you.  To the first responders and the teachers who gave their lives trying to protect your students, thank you.  We'll never know how many lives were saved by your actions that day.  I know it seems like so little, but it's all I have, but thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Why do I lie to myself?

I'm going to lay a few things out there.  I gained back every single pound I lost while I was working out, and a few more on top of that.  I have a hard time going to the gym because I have no one to watch my son.  Plus, I'm lazy.  Lazy and fat.  That's me.

I know everyone says that if I just get up and move, I'll start losing weight.  I know that.  I'm not stupid.  I'll be 35 years old in just a couple of weeks.  I also weigh about 380 pounds.  I also haven't been to the doctor in almost five years.  My company doesn't offer insurance and since I am "morbidly obese" I was refused when I tried to buy my own insurance.  I was even refused life insurance.  All these things aren't really great for my already fragile self esteem.  I get very depressed.  There are days, even weeks, when all I want to do is lay in bed.  I don't even want to watch tv or read.  Sometimes, the only thing that gets me out of bed is my little boy.  Oh, who am I kidding?  That's everyday.

Speaking of getting older, I feel like a failure and a fraud.  What have I done with my life??  Sure, I'm a mother, but is that all??  Will that be my only identity for the rest of my life??  I wanted so much more than doing what I'm doing.  If you had asked me, when I was in school, where I would be when I was 35, I'm sure the little, idealistic Jessie would've given you some grandiose vision of fame and fortune.  Well, I have neither.

I wish I could say that I plan to start working out again, every day.  But I don't.  It's next to impossible for me to get to the gym to do that, and my gym is not 24 hours.  I wish I could say that I could say I was going to start working out at home.  But I won't.  I'm constantly exhausted and I have a million other excuses as to why I can't and won't.  I know what I need to do, I really do.  I was doing it.  I started looking and feeling good for a long while.

Let's take a moment to explore an illness that I do have, hypothyroidism.  This is what wikipedia has to say about the disease:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypothyroidism  One of the symptoms is weight gain.  Guess what?  I have that!  I also have uncontrolled hypothyroidism, being that I haven't been to the doctor in five  years.  Sometimes I'm convinced that I can FEEL my thyroid in my throat.  It's scary and I would LOVE to go to the doctor to get medication to feel better.  But, it's just not gonna happen.

Well, in closing, I'd like to share a little story.  I went on a date a couple of weeks ago.  It was nice, we met on a dating site (for shame).  We had a lovely lunch and had a two hour conversation.  He was a gentleman and walked me to my car after lunch and asked if we could see each other again.  I said yes and looked forward to having another date (as I haven't been on one in a LONG time!).  Well, that evening, I got another email that said the same, he'd had a nice time, would like to go out again.

The next day, however, was a different story.  I opened my email and read, "I knew you were big, but I didn't think you were THAT big.  You are disgusting and you wasted my time."

Now, I've said this a couple of times in this post, but I'm almost 35 years old.  This guy is 37 years old.  We're not in middle school, not on the playground or the bus.  He wasn't standing with a group of boys, pointing and laughing at me.  What in the world would possess a grown man to send that to another adult??  Who is he to fucking judge me??  First of all, hello pot, meet kettle!  He wasn't a small guy, either.  I could've easily turned it around and said that to him.  I didn't, however.  I just deleted the email and blocked him from my profile (on the dating site) and added his email to the blocked list in my email.

I had this image of going to his house and dragging him outside to kick his ass in his own yard, embarrassing him in front of his neighbors.  Obviously I didn't do that.  I had a couple of other people volunteer to do the same thing but I didn't allow them.  It baffles me that, in this day and age, people are still as shallow and unaccepting as this guy was.

Anyway, I don't know if I'll be posting again before Christmas, so.........Happy Thanksgiving!  Merry Christmas!  Happy New Year!

Here we go!!!

Time to get positive.  It's so exhausting being so negative all the time.  I'm doing it this time.  So, starting today, not tomorrow or next week, or whatever, starting today I'm going to eat healthier.  Starting today, I'm going to work out more.  Starting today I'm going to make goals and keep them.  Starting today I'm going to be a better person.

That's not saying I'm not awesome, because I am.  I want to feel awesome.  I want to look awesome.  I want to be awesome.

So, after many, many, many false starts, I AM GOING TO DO THIS.  I'm on my way to losing a whole person!!!

Sad times

I've been having a rough few weeks.  I have no ambition to do anything.  It's hard to pull myself out of bed.  On top of that, I live in North Carolina and it's been, at least, 105 degrees for days on end.  That makes it even harder for me to want to do something.  I kept telling my little boy that it was too hot to go swimming.  Can you imagine what a fat ass I must be to tell my beautiful, little boy that it's too hot to go swimming??  I mean, don't you go swimming to cool off.  I can't understand.


There are a lot of things on my mind lately.  Petty things like:  I'm tired of being single.  Should I color my hair:  Do my glasses make my eyes look too small?  And then there are things that I really should be concerned about, like:  How am I ever going to pay for my student loans?  Why can't I have a job where I have benefits?  Why can't my POS sperm donor just do one MFing thing I ask of him?  When should I write my will?  What if I die too young, will my son remember me?  It's all making me pretty depressed.  The depression is (partially) what is keeping me in bed or on the couch or in the recliner.


I looked back over some of the paperwork I had when I was working out and losing weight.  I was really doing well for 6 months.  It wasn't all great, all the time.  But I was working out and I was losing weight.  I stopped though.  Just stopped.  No reason.  I wanted to start eating junk again, so I did.  I was "too busy" to go to the gym, so I stopped.  There's a sign that hangs in my gym that says "You're too busy to work out, so are you too busy to die."  I just don't understand why I can't get motivated to do something.  My head knows all the things I'm supposed to do.  But I can't do it.  I keep saying "tomorrow will be the day" and when that doesn't work "the first of the month" and then "starting Friday."  I can't do it.  I feel like a worthless, fat, disgusting, pile of shit.  I can't even walk up 4 stairs without pain.  Imagine what that is like?  I'm 34 years old and I can't make it up 4 stairs.  I haven't been on a date in 4 years.  I can't tie my own shoes.  I can't fit into booths at restaurants.  I can't fit into some cars.  I can't ride some rides at amusement parks.  There are a lot of "I can't's."


I don't know how to get to the "I can's."

Utter Failure

Disclaimer:  I'm going to be doing a lot of swearing in this post.  If you're not comfortable with it, please do not read any further.  Thank you.

I'm a fucking mess.  I'm kind of in the middle of a pretty serious depression.  I've basically stopped going the gym.  I haven't been in almost 2 weeks.  I'm pretty sure I've gained back every pound I lost.  That'd also be because, once again, I can't stop eating.  I eat, sometimes, when I'm not even hungry.  It's fucking disgusting.  I'm sure people look at me and think I'm one of the fattest, nastiest pieces of shit they've ever seen.  In fact, I'm pretty sure this is true.  Quick, wanna know what I had for breakfast this morning?  Listen to this shit: Greek yogurt with granola (my attempt at being healthy), 4 coconut macaroons, a chicken biscuit from Bojangles, a *diet* sunkist orange soda, and 2 shortbread cookies.  Who eats that shit?  For breakfast??  Are you fucking kidding me??  Geez, I wonder why I'm so fucking fat?

So, let's go back to my depression.  I'm in love with my little boy.  He is the greatest thing in my world.  I love to listen to him talk and sing and watching him dance and walk and play.  But sometimes I feel like he's the ONLY thing in my world.  I don't have any kind of social life.  I don't go on dates.  I don't go out with friends.  I don't do a lot of things.  He calls me beautiful and, believe me, I don't hear that often.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my son.  I love spending time with him more than anything.  In fact, I have serious guilt whenever I spend time away from him.  Like right now, I'm at work instead of being at home with him.  Like last night when he went to a baseball game and I wasn't feeling well enough to go.  Like in July when he's going to NY and I'm working.  Like when he's going camping in June and I hate it, oh, and I have to work.

I love the sentiment that "I can do it!"  Stay positive!  I feel like it's bull shit!  I feel like I'm lying to myself.  I know I need to push myself and blah blah.  But I don't feel like I can.  I feel like I AM going to fail and I AM going to die young.  I don't want that to happen but for fuck's sake, I don't know what else to do.

I'd like to say I have a plan, but I don't.  I'm just going to start trying again, harder, and keep trying.  I'm weaning myself of my caffeine addiction.  I should be completely "clean" by the end of this week.  I hope so, anyway.  When I was pregnant, I didn't drink any soda and it didn't bother me.  And, I lost 20 pounds.

I just don't know how to get my shit together.  It's like I take 1 step forward and I fall 2 fucking MILES back!  I feel lost and confused and alone.

How can I possibly suck any more?

I started this post 4/16, it took me this long to finish.

I've been slacking. No excuses. I went on vacation and it's been downhill from there.

My sister and I took our sons to Disney World for a week long vacation. We went with all good intentions. We were going to spend the day in the parks and go back to the hotel at night to swim in the pool and work out in the gym at the hotel. We were going to eat healthy and make good choices. Well, the food choices we made were out of necessity, rather than the healthfulness. There wasn't much of a selection. I ate mother-effing fried chicken tenders and French fries every day. If I never see a chicken tender, it will be too soon. We walked miles and miles, we left the hotel by around 8:30-9am every day and wouldn't return until midnight on some days. We were exhausted. There was no swimming in the pool (plus, it was cold as hell) and no working out in the gym. Seriously? When we got back to our room, we could barely walk on our feet, let alone think about going to ride a stationery bike or walk on a treadmill. We had to hobble from the bed to the bathroom where we'd stand in the shower for an hour, just to feel human again.

The worst part about it was that I gained 7 lbs on vacation! That's SEVEN POUNDS!!!! How could that have happened?? Walked all day long, every single day. We didn't even eat that much, we ate when we realized we hadn't eaten (our poor kids). So, when we got back, I had to get back on track. Except I didn't. I've had a lot of excuses on why I didn't go to the gym. First was that I had a ton of laundry to do, second was because my parents got my son a swing set for Easter, third was because I had to cook dinner, and so on, and so on. I've only been once a week since we got back. I can tell the difference in how I feel. I don't like it. So, I've vowed to get back on track......

But I'm on vacation again this week. I'm going home to Walton, NY. You know what we always plan on doing when we're in NY??? Eating!!! Yep, I'm already planning what I'm eating when I get to NY. Christ, I'm always gonna be fat at this rate.

So, I'm back from NY and guess what?  All my fat ass did in NY was eat.  Want a sub??  How about 3??  Eating chicken wings at 11pm, yep, I did that.  Continuous soda, all day, every day.  Oh yea!  Mother effer!!!

I just weighed myself and I'm back up to 359.8.  Before I went to Disney, I was at 354 and going down.  I feel disgusting.  I feel fat.  I feel sluggish.  I feel nasty.  I haven't been going to the gym like I'm supposed to, I haven't been walking at work, I haven't been drinking water like I should.  It makes me sad.

The flip side to all of this is that I want to go on a date.  I haven't been on a date with a man in 5 years.  I'm pretty lonely.  I've put it into my head that no man would want to date such a hot mess, like myself. I keep putting myself down and not making myself feel good at all.

Starting tomorrow, I'm getting back on track.  Back to the gym 2-3 times a week.  Back to eating smaller, healthier meals.  Back to being serious about saving my life.  I can't make myself feel bad, like I have been, damnit.  I want to feel good and look good. 

Falling Behind

I have a lot on my mind this week. Work has been extra stressful for me this week. Lots of new responsibility, lots of new stress. I'm trying to eat right and work out and be healthy. And, we're going to Disney World in just 9 days! So, let me tell you why I feel like a failure this week:

First, I continually eat junk. Just this morning, I had 2 chicken biscuits from Bojangles and a large Mt. Dew. Oh, and that's what I had for breakfast on Monday, too. I weighed in on Tuesday and I'm up 1.4 pounds from last week. That makes me sad. Everytime I eat the junk, I get sad and I hate myself. I can't be perfect all the time, but it would be really nice if I could make better choices and use better judgement.

Second, I gained back weight that I lost. I know I shouldn't be looking at the number, but I've weighed so much, for so long. I've started weight training at the gym, while also doing cardio, I just want to see the numbers go down. A positive is that I took my measurements and I lost an inch from my waist. That would be pretty impressive, if I wasn't so down on myself.

Third, I only accomplished one of my goals this week. Just one goal, out of five. I took my finals for my classes at school. I got a 92 on my Human Anatomy final and an 83 on my HIPPA final. I did nothing else.

Oh, and I started this blog post a week ago and put it off. I guess you could say I've had a down week. This week, however, I'm going to be positive, damnit! I'm going to Disney World on Saturday, for Pete's Sake!!! I weighed myself today because I had a pig-out weekend and I actually look like I lost 2 more pounds. I'm so excited to go to Disney, I just can't wait. I'm losing sleep at night because there's so much going through my mind, getting ready to go and worrying about what I need to get done with my "normal" life before we go. Phew!! Lots to do this week, just came out of a busy weekend, and again in April, a busy month where we go to NY!!!

I'm writing up some goals for the week and I'll post with my next blog post, which, in a perfect world, will be tomorrow, after my official Biggest Loser weigh-in.