How can I possibly suck any more?

I started this post 4/16, it took me this long to finish.

I've been slacking. No excuses. I went on vacation and it's been downhill from there.

My sister and I took our sons to Disney World for a week long vacation. We went with all good intentions. We were going to spend the day in the parks and go back to the hotel at night to swim in the pool and work out in the gym at the hotel. We were going to eat healthy and make good choices. Well, the food choices we made were out of necessity, rather than the healthfulness. There wasn't much of a selection. I ate mother-effing fried chicken tenders and French fries every day. If I never see a chicken tender, it will be too soon. We walked miles and miles, we left the hotel by around 8:30-9am every day and wouldn't return until midnight on some days. We were exhausted. There was no swimming in the pool (plus, it was cold as hell) and no working out in the gym. Seriously? When we got back to our room, we could barely walk on our feet, let alone think about going to ride a stationery bike or walk on a treadmill. We had to hobble from the bed to the bathroom where we'd stand in the shower for an hour, just to feel human again.

The worst part about it was that I gained 7 lbs on vacation! That's SEVEN POUNDS!!!! How could that have happened?? Walked all day long, every single day. We didn't even eat that much, we ate when we realized we hadn't eaten (our poor kids). So, when we got back, I had to get back on track. Except I didn't. I've had a lot of excuses on why I didn't go to the gym. First was that I had a ton of laundry to do, second was because my parents got my son a swing set for Easter, third was because I had to cook dinner, and so on, and so on. I've only been once a week since we got back. I can tell the difference in how I feel. I don't like it. So, I've vowed to get back on track......

But I'm on vacation again this week. I'm going home to Walton, NY. You know what we always plan on doing when we're in NY??? Eating!!! Yep, I'm already planning what I'm eating when I get to NY. Christ, I'm always gonna be fat at this rate.

So, I'm back from NY and guess what?  All my fat ass did in NY was eat.  Want a sub??  How about 3??  Eating chicken wings at 11pm, yep, I did that.  Continuous soda, all day, every day.  Oh yea!  Mother effer!!!

I just weighed myself and I'm back up to 359.8.  Before I went to Disney, I was at 354 and going down.  I feel disgusting.  I feel fat.  I feel sluggish.  I feel nasty.  I haven't been going to the gym like I'm supposed to, I haven't been walking at work, I haven't been drinking water like I should.  It makes me sad.

The flip side to all of this is that I want to go on a date.  I haven't been on a date with a man in 5 years.  I'm pretty lonely.  I've put it into my head that no man would want to date such a hot mess, like myself. I keep putting myself down and not making myself feel good at all.

Starting tomorrow, I'm getting back on track.  Back to the gym 2-3 times a week.  Back to eating smaller, healthier meals.  Back to being serious about saving my life.  I can't make myself feel bad, like I have been, damnit.  I want to feel good and look good. 

Falling Behind

I have a lot on my mind this week. Work has been extra stressful for me this week. Lots of new responsibility, lots of new stress. I'm trying to eat right and work out and be healthy. And, we're going to Disney World in just 9 days! So, let me tell you why I feel like a failure this week:

First, I continually eat junk. Just this morning, I had 2 chicken biscuits from Bojangles and a large Mt. Dew. Oh, and that's what I had for breakfast on Monday, too. I weighed in on Tuesday and I'm up 1.4 pounds from last week. That makes me sad. Everytime I eat the junk, I get sad and I hate myself. I can't be perfect all the time, but it would be really nice if I could make better choices and use better judgement.

Second, I gained back weight that I lost. I know I shouldn't be looking at the number, but I've weighed so much, for so long. I've started weight training at the gym, while also doing cardio, I just want to see the numbers go down. A positive is that I took my measurements and I lost an inch from my waist. That would be pretty impressive, if I wasn't so down on myself.

Third, I only accomplished one of my goals this week. Just one goal, out of five. I took my finals for my classes at school. I got a 92 on my Human Anatomy final and an 83 on my HIPPA final. I did nothing else.

Oh, and I started this blog post a week ago and put it off. I guess you could say I've had a down week. This week, however, I'm going to be positive, damnit! I'm going to Disney World on Saturday, for Pete's Sake!!! I weighed myself today because I had a pig-out weekend and I actually look like I lost 2 more pounds. I'm so excited to go to Disney, I just can't wait. I'm losing sleep at night because there's so much going through my mind, getting ready to go and worrying about what I need to get done with my "normal" life before we go. Phew!! Lots to do this week, just came out of a busy weekend, and again in April, a busy month where we go to NY!!!

I'm writing up some goals for the week and I'll post with my next blog post, which, in a perfect world, will be tomorrow, after my official Biggest Loser weigh-in.

Suck it up, Sally

I'm struggling. I've eaten a lot of junk this past week that I didn't need to eat. I ate 2 boxes of Thin Mints Girl Scout cookies. That's right, 2 boxes. Oh, and I had 2 chicken biscuits from Bojangles today. Oh, and pizza. Oh, and Chinese. Oh, and I didn't work out Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I lost another pound, but imagine what i would've done if I didn't eat so much junk and I worked out?? I'm trying not to feel down about it, but that's kind of hard.

I went to the gym tonight and met with a trainer, for the first time ever. She showed me a routine to do on the machines and hurt me. She kept pushing me and I needed that. Holy hell it's going to be hard!!! I'm pretty sore tonight. It's a good sore, I suppose.

I want to take a moment and really point something out that bothers me. Maybe you don't notice you do it, maybe you don't do it. But, whenever I go somewhere in public, 9 times out of 10, people pretend not to see me. For example, I went to Best Buy and spent over $200. Well, when I was looking for my item, the person who helped, walked past me and asked my sister if she needed help. She then told him I was looking for the iPods and he pointed us to another person. Well, I made my purchase and went to leave the store. At the door, there was a security person that was stopping people and checking receipts. I waited while he checked this woman's purchases and then I asked him if he needed to check my receipt. He looked away. I asked again, he sighed heavily and then just looked at me and said "no." That kind of thing happens to me all the time. I really try to be friendly and smile at people, but those who know me know that I'm shy. I really try to make a point of smiling at people. Tonight, I was at a restaurant waiting for the dinner I ordered and a teacher from my son's school was there. She looked at me 7 times before she finally "saw" me and I said "hello." Does this happen to other people?? Other people who aren't heavy????

So, I did terrible on my goals last week:

1. Get up earlier - still doesn't happen

2. Be more positive - still a work in progress

3. C25K training 5 days - I got 2 in last week, it's really hard

4. Read the book my friend gave me - I just didn't get to it

So, I'm repeating all those goals again this week, plus I'm adding:

5. Get homework and finals done - They're due March 9

Not a great week last week. I'm vowing to make this week better. Next week will be even better. The week after we leave for Disney World, I don't think I'll be working out while I'm there. I'll try.

Can you believe it??

I'm happy! I know, I know. It must be a lie. But, alas, I'm actually really happy at the moment. For one, I lost 3 pounds last week. That brings my total lost now to 15 pounds, I'm down to 355!!!! Go me!!! I've decided to train for a 5K, my co-worker brought it up and I'm on board! I'm giving myself a year to do it, but I know I can!!! I've done 2 days of interval training and they're kicking my ass, but I'm doing them........

Oh yea, I'm going to Disney World!!!! I'm taking my son, with my sister and my nephew, and we're all going to Disney!!!! I just paid for the trip today! I don't know who is more excited, me or the kids. I just can't wait to see their little faces when we drive into Disney for the first time. I feel like I'll cry.

So, my goals for last week were the following:

1. Get up earlier....ughh, fail. It goes back on next week's goals.

2. "I love.." and "I'm grateful" lists. I set myself a reminder timer on my phone to do them every night and I'm succeeding! Yay me!!

3. Gym 3 times a week...score.

4. Be more positive. That is something I struggle with. I'm really trying. Hell, this post is pretty effing positive, if you ask me. I'm celebrating how well I did this past week, even though I had a couple of off days.

My new goals for this week are:

1. Get up earlier.....my God, will it ever end?

2. Be more positive. I'm putting this on the list until people are sick of my damn chipper moods!!

3. Couch to 5K training 3 days. Guess who's already it twice this week????

4. Read a book that a co-worker gave me. He said it'll help me with being more positive

So, thanks to all of you who are reading and cheering me on. I know I can do this. I'm already kicking a little arse!!!

4.

Had a bad day.

Today I had a bad day. I really needed a gym partner today, for some reason I couldn't do it alone. I had ample opportunity to head to the gym, but I really needed someone with me. I couldn't get anyone to go. So, I had 4 cookies for breakfast. Then I had a half sandwich and a giant salad for lunch. Then I had a piece of birthday cake. Then I took a 3 hour nap. And for dinner, I had 2 chicken biscuits from Bojangles and a large Mountain Dew. I had pretty much quit drinking soda, but today I had 2 (including lunch). I feel awful. I really just want to lay in my bed and cry. Actually, I've wanted to do that for several hours now and I still want to do it. I'm going to force myself to work out at home tonight and the gym is not open on Sunday.

I guess my depression got the better of me today. I can pretend I'm happy but I'm really not. If not for my beautiful son, I'd spend days in my bed. I feel like I failed today. My feelings hurt because I couldn't get a gym partner today, too. I need to not make excuses and do what I need to do, but I just needed support today.

Today it begins...

Well not really. That's false advertisement. I went to the gym tonight. My second trip to the gym. It was fun, my Mom and I took an aerobics class....ouch! I stuck it out, though. I walked with my friends at work today, 3/4 mile. Not bad for a fat girl.

I have a lot on my mind this week. I'm kind of behind in my school work, which I don't like. I'm paying out of pocket for these classes, I want to pass them. I'm making slow strides to catch up. I'm just hoping I catch up in time for the final, that's fast approaching. Another thing fast approaching is my vacation. I'm taking my son to Disney World, along with my sister and my nephew. I don't know who is more excited, though, me and my sister or the kids?? I was really worried about going for a few reasons: 1. There is a lot of walking. I didn't think I'd be able to make it one day, let alone the 5 we're planning. 2. I didn't think I'd fit in the rides. I'm still worried about that, to be honest. But I've still got about a month, so, whatever happens, happens. 3. We're driving, it's a 12 hour drive, at least. I was worried about how my body would handle the trip. I'm rocking on working on my fitness, I can handle 12 hours of ass-numbing driving. Suck it up, Sally!

For those who usually read this, you'll notice I'm a little more upbeat today. I'm really, really trying to be more positive. In fact, that's one of my goals this week. Here are my goals for this week: 1. Get up earlier.....Holy mother effing g-d son of a motherless goat c-wording sharting I cannot do that!!!!! No matter what I do, me and that snooze button are having some kind of love affair! I try to set my clock ahead to trick myself but then I end up doing math at 5 in the morning. 2. I'm still working on writing my "I'm grateful for..." and "I love..." lists. I set an alarm on my phone to remind myself to do it every night. I'm getting there, slowly. 3. Go to the gym 3 times a week. Well, I've gone twice this week, just 1 more.... 4. Be more positive. I mentioned this. I'm a pretty negative, crab ass person. I'm going to try and change that.....

I also set a long term goal. I was talking to one of my friends today who says he's inspired by me (I'm putting words in his mouth) and he's decided he wants to be in a 5K. Well, I've set a long term goal that in 1 year I will be in a 5K, either running or walking. I'm going to do it, damnit!! I didn't think I'd ever be able to stop drinking soda, but I'm pretty much over that, so, I can do a 5K.

Hell, I forgot to mention that I won the Biggest Loser challenge at my office!!! I'm still at 358.0, but that's still down 12 pounds!!! I bragged on that all day. I feel pretty damn good about myself....except the body aches from aerobics tonight.

So, if there's anyone out there who has any insight into how to train for a 5K, please tell me I'm heading in the right direction. My end goal is to lose 200 pounds. I can do it!!!

Where do we go from here?

I'm kind of a nerd. While listening to the soundtrack to the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer tonight, the song "Where Do We Go From Here?" came on and was pretty meaningful to me. I'm at a point in my recovery where I'm not sure where to go. I think I'm going in the right direction. I joined a gym today, with my mother and my sister. I don't know how often they'll go. They both seem excited, however, I can't get either of them to work out with me at home. Well, I haven't so far. I've been working out at home for 4 and a half weeks now. That's 4 weeks and 2 days longer than I've ever worked out before. I've been keeping track of my progress on a couple of charts I created.

Where I have failed is in my list of goals. This was something important that I really wanted to accomplish but I haven't done it. I wrote 2 weeks of goals and failed miserably at both. One of my goals, something that I really want to do, is to write my list of things I love and things I'm grateful for. Want to know something I love? I love how fast I can type. Seriously. Thank you, Mr. Shackleton (RIP). I also went out to eat today. Well, I went out twice this week. The first time was to Golden Corral. I did pretty well there, however, I wasn't feeling well. I ate salad, fruit, broccoli, chicken terryaki, bourbon chicken, and more fruit. Not bad, right? Not until I went to lunch today and had an entree and an appetizer. I brought half of my appetizer home, but I still pigged out. I'm still feeling full right now, actually. I had soup, Southwestern egg rolls, French fries, and half of a California club sandwich (at Chili's). I even felt gross ordering it.

I feel broken tonight.