Tough one

Did you hear? I lost 10 lbs!!! That's TEN POUNDS!!! I can't remember the last time I lost 10 pounds. Oh wait, it was just after I had Adam, so, January 2008. I feel pretty freakin' great! Here, I have proof.

Anyway, who gets excited about weighing 360.2 lbs? Me, that's who! Those are my sexy feet, in my sexy trouser socks, by the way.

I don't, however, feel sexy. You see, dear reader, it's been 4 long, lonely years since I've been on a date. It's not that I think I need a man, obviously I don't. I've been without one for 4 years. And, obviously Aaron Rodgers doesn't believe that he's my boyfriend....So, I put a profile up on a dating site, thinking, "what can it hurt? I'll get a couple emails and maybe make a couple friends. Maybe I can have a date for Valentine's day, even." Well, I haven't gotten a single email. Not one. Sure, people look at my profile, I send emails, all of that. But does anyone respond? Nope. Please spare me the "oh, you've got such a pretty face" or the "men are pigs" bull shit. I've heard it before. I know. Pretty face, blah. Does that mean nothing else about me is pretty? "Oh, you're such a funny girl" Well, obviously that doesn't get me out of the house. I don't want it to sting this much, but it does. There's married people that I know that are getting more side action than I'm getting. Not that I'm looking for action. An adult conversation would suit me. Maybe a little hand holding? A quick hug?? Too much to ask???

Wow, so writing all that just got me pretty emotional. I guess I'm saying that I'm lonely. I'm a fucking awesome catch. I guess no one wants a 6' tall, 360 lb, 34 year old, single mother who still lives with her parents. Wait! I own my own car!

You may not know this, but the last time I was in love (with my son's father, we'll call him SD) was not good. SD was pretty awful to me. There are things that happened with him and in our relationship that I don't know if I'll ever be over them. He took away 5 years of my life. He gave me my son, the only good thing to ever come from him. I don't know how to act, how to date, how to flirt, how to anything. He ruined me for all future suitors. Sometimes I feel like I really fucked up my life with him, I mean, I did. At least I made it out alive.

So, back to the task at hand. I'm working on my goals for the week. Here they are, check them out:

1. Add 2 more reps to each work out.

2. Work on the daily "I love" and "I'm grateful for" lists (again, so hard to find 10 different things, every day that I love about myself)

3. Get out of bed earlier

I write my list of things I love about myself at night, before I go to bed and email them to myself, to read at work in the morning. Well, tonight, to be honest, I'm not feeling it. I can't think of any damn thing I love. That makes me sad.

I started out so positive tonight and I'm ending on a sad note. I don't want to be sad but I'm just not feeling happy any more tonight. I'll try again tomorrow.

I need to be regular

Well, last week I decided that I wanted to make myself goals for the week. So, I wrote a list of goals on Monday (and I forgot to mention them when I wrote my last blog) and I'm just taking a look tonight. I think I did pretty well. Let's take a look, shall we?

1. Get to 7 Burpees (Done)

2. Lemon water and veggie juice daily (the lemon water I sometimes forget, but I get it almost daily)

3. Adam to bed earlier (well, I PUT him in bed earlier. He just chooses to stay up until after 11pm)

4. Email myself an list of "10 things I like about myself" and "10 things I'm grateful for"

The last one is where I sucked up. I wrote the lists just once. I have a really hard time finding things I like about myself that don't have to do, directly, with my son. Really think about it, do you think you can make a list of 10 things you love about yourself, every day?? Without repeating???? I couldn't even go 2 days.

I've also come to realize that there is a person in my life who is really negative. I didn't ever really notice it until recently. For example, when I announce, excitedly, how much weight I've lost, this person says "well, if you cut back on your portions, you'll lose more." Not, "good job" or "congratulations." It's really hurtful. I really am working my ass off (literally) and that's all I get? It's very frustrating because this person is very important and I don't know what, if anything, I can say to change it. I'm just rolling with it for right now.

Overall, I think this week was a good week. I made some good decisions. Like the night my family had brownie sundaes for dinner. I had a roast chicken sandwich. I'm not perfect, by any stretch. I just think I'm making better decisions. I really love Bojangles chicken biscuits for breakfast. I used to go through the drive thru on my way to work and get 2 chicken biscuits and a large Mt. Dew every morning on my way to work. Talk about trying to kill myself! Anyway, I haven't stopped there in a LONG time. But, this week, twice, I was DYING to stop. I didn't. I applaud myself for not stopping. I don't have a scale at home, it's at work for the "Biggest Loser" competition. I think that's good, too because otherwise I'd be weighing myself every day, trying to see if I pooped enough.

I've got a couple goals for this week, I'll post them after I write them out. Probably Monday or Tuesday. Any suggestions for goals??

Do I eat too much for Overeaters Anonymous??

Well, I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to get connected with an online Overeater Anonymous group. A friend suggested that I try a meeting, after reading my first blog post and I decided on the online format because I just don't have time to drive to Raleigh at 7:30pm on a Monday or Tuesday night. Sounds like an excuse, doesn't it?? Run 3 laps! I'm so lost. I'm struggling and I kind of don't know how to do this. I think I'm off to a good start. I weighed in at the Biggest Loser competition today and I weighed 362.4, yay me! Do you know anyone who gets excited about weighing 362 lbs?? Neither do I.

I know weight is just part of it. I've been told I look different. Thanks! Still, tonight, I want to get into my bed and cry for a few hours. I've kind of felt this way all day. I know I need to get my work out in. I just don't feel like it. I'm tired, my body is sore, and I want to go to bed. Is that 3 more excuses? Run 9 laps! Shit! I did walk 3/4 of a mile today at lunch, so I get points for that, right?? Please say yes!

I've been trying all kinds of different things to take my mind of eating and trying to help me get into a healthier mind set. I'm drinking lots of water. I've all but given up soda. I really try to only have 1-2 a week. I've been adding lemon to my water when I'm at home. I'm even drinking vegetable juice because I read that it'll curb your craving for sweets. Let's hope it helps! I drink a lot of milk, always have. It's 1% milk, though. I suppose that's good.

You know, this being healthy thing isn't so bad. I was able to go play football with my son tonight. Something that just a few weeks ago would've left me struggling to breathe and useless for the rest of the evening. Now, we didn't play for a long time but it was getting cold!! Another excuse??? I'll let this one slide.

My piss poor attitude really didn't help my son tonight. I wish I knew what my problem was. It can't be as simple as I'm just a bitch, can it?? My poor son was really sleepy and grumpy, not to mention whiny and scream-y. I just kept yelling at him. I lost my temper but I went to my room and threw everything on the floor. What the f am I? A teenage girl?? Christ! I went back to talk to him a short time later and he "still forgives me." I love that little boy. Looking into his pretty blue eyes gives me the strength I need to do one more damn burpee or try another few crunches.

I look pretty? No, you look fat.

There I am, all 370 pounds of me. How did I get to this point in my life? The only way I can explain it is that I'm obsessed with food. While I'm eating food, I think about food I'm going to eat next. If I'm not eating food, I'm thinking about where I'm going to find food to be eating. It's a full time job. I used to keep food hidden in my room, my desk at work, my car, and I would buy things and hide them in the refrigerator so no one else would eat them. Depending on my mood, I would eat an entire bag of candy or a small cake or a dozen cookies or a pound of ham or an entire stick of salami. I would eat it and then feel so guilty that I actually ate it. I would wash that down with at least 2 sodas. Then I would sit around, wondering what I was going to eat next.

It's kind of hard always being the fattest person in the room. You know how they say that people who are "overweight" get ignored when they're out in public?? It's definitely true. People don't even look at me. Who can blame them? I don't want to look at me, either. The only reason I do is because I can't see anyone else in the mirror. Plus, I need to make myself somewhat presentable when I'm out in public. I gotta cover this up, make this look less....

I've been down this road before; I get all motivated to lose weight, start making all kinds of plans and charts and graphs and then nothing happens. Well, let me make sure I get that right. Usually I spend a ton of money and then GAIN weight. That's more accurate. How is this time different, you ask?? I don't know. It just feels different. Let me explain.

A couple months ago my then 3 year old son noticed my giant, fat arms. He started laughing at me, calling them "Bat Wings" and saying that I could fly with them. He was 3, he didn't understand how much this hurt my feelings. He would laugh and try to lift my arm so he could wiggle my arm fat. Oh, it was hilarious. Then, I noticed my 8 year old nephew putting on weight. He would say things like "I want to be as fat as Jessie." Or "I want to be the fattest person." That would kill me a little each time. It's totally my fault. I can't let my nephew watch me continue to get fatter. I couldn't let my son watch me to struggle to walk upstairs, or to tie my shoe (which I don't, I just leave them tied and slip them on).

So, at work, I started a "Biggest Loser" competition. I'm doing ok with it. I'm in the lead, but I mean, after like 10 weeks, I've only lost like 4ish pounds. I can lose that after pooping (nasty, right?). My co-worker and I have been walking the street around our office. We recently discovered that it's 3/4 mile with 1 lap. On good days, we can do 2 laps! I'm eating better, not the best I can, but a bit better than I have in the past. I started keeping a food diary and an exercise diary.

At home, I work out before I go to bed. I know, I know that it's better to exercise in the morning but I just can't get up early. Hey, I used to not exercise at all. I have quite a little routine worked out. I have a 10 minute dance DVD I do (or I just put music on and dance) that I start with then I do 5 burpees (modified because I'm still fat), 20 leg lifts, 2o crunches, 20 arm lift things that someone showed me (they're hard as hell! Put your arms together in front of you, folded at the elbow and just lift them in the air a few times. Hard, right???), and 40 leg exercises. Sometimes I throw in these chair push-up things, too, for good measure. By the end, I'm sweating like a pig and panting. That's a good sign, right???? I'm getting addicted to the aches and pains. They feel good.

My next problem and my next step is to change my eating. I'm working at it, slowly. Food is a drug to me. I can eat and eat until I feel close to vomiting and then eat some more. I'm excited to see where this next step of my life takes me.

On top of working on weight loss, I've been taking online classes to get my certificate in medical office assistant. I need a job with benefits. There are none at my job. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I haven't been to the doctor in almost 4 years. Ya, that's not scary at all. I think I'll be done with the classes in March or April. We'll see.

I'll keep you posted! Thanks for the support.